


Burst

by Betheryboo



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Bay Movies), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-02-09 11:10:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 18
Words: 21,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12886620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Betheryboo/pseuds/Betheryboo
Summary: A young girl has just escaped from years of torture. She just wants to be left alone. But a skirmish with the turtles leaves her stuck in the lair, reluctantly attempting to reign in her mysterious ability, face and cope with severe trauma from her past- and leads her to an unlikely savior who may just be the best thing that's ever happened to her.





	1. Run

**Author's Note:**

> hey y'all. This is my first time posting on AO3, so uh, if you like this, maybe comment on it or something? Thanks lovelies

“My brothers are so pissed at you.” I jump, startled, which almost never happens anymore. I turn and see a large, greenish shadow of a bulky looking man. I knew who he was right away. One of them.  
“How did you sneak up on me?” I ask, taking in his aura. I glance down at the puppy I was playing with. This turtle and the dog had similar aura’s. Surprising. Most people didn’t have an aura as positive as dogs. The dog must have concealed him from me.  
“Beats me.” He shrugs and walks forward, sitting on the edge of the roof with me. I could see him more clearly now. I hadn’t looked at one of them this closely before. If they got too close, I played dirty. I didn’t want to hurt them, but I wasn’t about to be captured again. It was the only way to get away from them.  
“Where are your brothers?” I ask. The red one had to have it out for me. I definitely injured him in the shoulder when we were fighting last week. Then he got hit by the burst when he grabbed me too roughly.  
“Just out on patrol, no biggie.” He replies.  
“Shouldn’t you be out there too?” I ask. Raising an eyebrow. The dog next to me stands up lazily and pads over to the turtle, cuddling up into him. The dog must be able to feel his aura as well.  
“I’m out there. I can see lots of crime from up here.” He gives me this lopsided grin that looks like it just belongs on his face. This one is very easy-going. But that doesn’t mean I should let my guard down. He could easily still be dangerous.  
“Where?” I ask, feigning innocent teasing and putting my hand to my forehead, looking around. The turtle, wanting to play along, looked around as well. I kept doing it, keeping an eye on him to see where he was looking. I knew there was a windowsill just under my feet leading into an abandoned building. I was pretty sure it was broken. When the turtle turned his back to, I immediately slipped down, my feet hitting the sill. I was right; the glass was in pieces. I slipped into the building through the jagged opening.  
“Hey!” I heard his voice, still outside, ring out, but I was already running. Run, run. You can’t let them catch you. You can’t let it happen again. You’re finally free.  
Four not two  
Watch out  
Gift or curse  
I push myself harder, sprinting down the halls. The building was huge. If I made enough turns and floor switches, I might be able to lose him. I heard feint footsteps as the turtle ran after me. I didn’t expect much else. Those freaks were going to try and catch me, or die trying. I’m sure the Master made sure of that.  
I skidded past a stairwell and immediately backtracked to run down the stairs. How many stairs should I descend? How far down should I go? 4 floors, I picked at random. Usually best to just go with my gut, these days. It usually knows what’s going on better than my scattered brain does.  
I emerge to a lower floor and immediately sprint into a hallway, abruptly turning left, then right. My mind is somewhere hazy. I don’t think, I refuse to think. I just have to get to a place where not even I know where I am. Then I’ll be safe.  
Partly because my breaths were coming in gasps, I picked a door and yanked it open, slipping in and closing as quietly as possible. No noise.  
I turn and look at the old, decrepit office. Wood was rotting, and it was cold and damp. This room has a broken window as well, and wind whistled in. I fell to my knees and tried to catch up on my breath. I had gotten very good at evading. At least something good came out of this long, traumatic, broken experience.  
I took a few deep breaths, once my lungs had gotten under control, and stood. Slowly, I went to the window and looked out, searching for little flashes of color. Orange, red, blue, or purple. Nightmare colors.  
I see something flying through the air, and I duck. I feel an aura coming closer. He wasn’t close enough to be worrying, but I could still sense him. I considered his aura. I think this was the blue one.  
“Damnit, Mikey.” I hear him say, loud enough that I can just barely hear him. I melt into the floor and try to remain hidden.  
“Anything?” Another aura has joined. The red one, most certainly. The anger is so consuming that I can practically see a haze of red in the air.  
“No. Mikey got a little too ‘into character’ and let her get away before we could drop in.” So the orange one was trying to trick me. They did a good job choosing him for the job. I almost trusted him.  
“Damnit.” I feel a slight vibration in the structure of the building, along with a loud bang. The angry one had hit something.  
“We’ll find her. I wouldn’t let information like this slip out of my hands.” Says the blue one. Ha. Information? What did he think I knew?  
Another aura dropped in. The purple one. Probably the calmest aura of the four of them. Lastly, the puppy-like aura of the orange one, Mikey, jumping up on what was probably the rooftop above me.  
“Why the hell did you look away from her?!” The blue one began his lecture quite quickly. The positivity faded from the orange one’s aura.  
“I was trying to get her to trust me.” The orange one said quietly.  
“So while you were trying to have fun with your playmate, you let a dangerous criminal escape! Someone who might have info on Shredder!” I wonder what type of relationship they had with the Master. Maybe estranged henchmen, like how the pig and rhino are.  
“I’m sorry! But… what if she isn’t as dangerous as we think?” The orange one- Mikey- says. At least someone has some brains. The idea of me as ‘dangerous’ was laughable. I wasn’t trouble. I just attracted it.  
“Sure, an average citizen just stabbed me in the shoulder.” The red one growls.  
“We were chasing her…” Mikey trails off.  
“And every time any of us touches her we get… feeling-zapped or something. We can’t let someone like that just walk around New York.” The purple one says.  
“Yeah! And she stabbed me in the shoulder! I need payback.” I shuddered at the sound of the red one’s voice. I dreaded what he would do to me if he did catch me- for as long as I was forced to stay alive. I knew in my heart I would kill myself as soon as I could when I was captured- either by these new mutants or the Master. I was ready for death.  
“Okay, she couldn’t have left the building. Mikey, you stay here and watch the exits. Doors and windows. Don, Raph, and I are going to go in and try to find her.” The blue one orders them- always ordering them around, how rude- and they split up. After a moment, I look up and find the orange-banded turtle on the topmost part of the roof, with a view of every window and door. I couldn’t get out the window fast enough to avoid his gaze. I’m stuck in here.  
Desperately, I turned and ruffled through the drawers of the old desk. In the bottom drawer I found a pocketknife. I tested it on the side of my arm- it was definitely sharp enough. I sat down behind the desk, ready for whatever outcome faced me. 

It was probably about a half an hour before I heard footsteps down the hallway. It was the purple one. I listened hard for any other noises. There was a door slam every two minutes or so. They must be searching through every room. Looks like I was doomed.  
But I must still have a little hope, because I haven’t sliced my throat yet. I probably won’t do it until the very last second.  
Finally, I heard the wiggle of the doorknob and held my breath. The aura was calm, but that didn’t quell my fear. The door opened and the purple one walked in.  
“I know you’re in here. I can sense your heartbeat and heat signature.” He called into the room. I slowly brought the knife up against my throat, but it wasn’t the right time yet.  
The purple one sighs and walks up to the desk. He’s no more than two feet away from me, a short, rotting piece of wood between us. I see his hand grab the bottom of the desk and flip it over, exposing me. Our eyes meet only for one second before I tell myself to do it. It’s time. I press down and start to slide the knife across my throat.  
I wasn’t fast enough. Before I could cut anything deeper than the skin, the knife was knocked out of my hand and that hand was pinned against the wall.  
“Leo, I have her.” Was all the purple one said into a radio. Even though I could feel the icy fear coursing through my veins, he didn’t seem to be affected by it this time around. I looked up at my wrist where our flesh met. Gloves. Smart man.  
Before long I heard running footsteps coming towards us. I was oddly calm. With how fired up the red one would be, it would only be a matter of time before he had a weapon against me. All I would need is a little momentum to drive the sharp object into my body- hopefully the throat. That would be the fastest.  
The three other turtles burst in and I regard them all. The red one is heaving. Again, the anger is like a haze in the air. They all felt anger to some degree, however. This was probably good. The angrier they were, the faster I could get myself killed.  
“How are you not getting…” Mikey pointed to his hand-like mutant paw and pretended to be zapped when he touched his palm.  
“Gloves.” He held up the other hand, where he was wearing an identical one.  
The blue one stalked up to me with his weapons relaxed at his sides. He was mad. Good.  
“You’re going to tell us what you know about the Shredder…” He began in a sickly calm voice as he pulled out his sword. “Or else.”  
I kept his eye contact, setting my jaw to try and upset him more. I spit at his feet. He growled and held the sword up against my throat. There’s my opening.  
“Leo!” The purple one, who had seen this before, tried to stop the blue one. He was almost too late. I pushed myself forward and tore my head to the side, leaving a gash on my neck. It hadn’t gotten down to my larynx, but I began bleeding profusely.  
“Shit!” The blue one jumped up as the purple one runs over to try to stop the bleeding. I could feel it- I hadn’t gone deep enough. I would have to try again.  
Not now, though. The blood loss, exhaustion, pain and general terror had caught up to me. Let them do what they want for now, I thought. I let the darkness of unconsciousness take me.


	2. Numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. I know no one left comments on the first chapter, but i'm here with another one no one asked for! You're welcome

The buzzing. There’s too much buzzing around my head. This isn’t the usual kind of buzzing, though. Not the buzzing that busy cars create when you sleep in abandoned buildings. It’s voices. Annoying, buzzing voices.  
Voices of them.  
My eyes flash open before my body is really able to move much. I look around. It’s dark, with cement walls surrounding me. I’m lying on a gurney, and there are monitors and technology all around. So it wasn’t just the voices.  
“Anything, Donnie?” I hear a voice to my left and I turn my eyes to the two behemoths in bandanas. The blue and the purple. One was typing in front of several monitors and the other was watching intently, arms crossed. Both were facing away from me.  
I try to stretch my arms out, but I find that my limbs are strapped to the gurney. Gauze is wrapped around my throat. Oh God. There’s nothing I can do to stop this now.  
“She has to know something. Otherwise why would she try to off herself like that?” The turtle in blue muses to the other one. They’re going to start soon. I know they are.  
Beside me, the monitor capturing my heart rate began to go off the charts. I was staring up at the wall. Numb. This was what I did when it happened back at the lab. I pushed my emotions out of my mind. The bursts only made them more upset. I forced my mind into a comatose state and let my body take the toll of the panic. I could stay in that mindset for hours. If they wanted an object, I would give them and object.  
The purple one swiveled around in his chair, commenting to the other one, “She must be awake.” He stands and the two walk over to me. I can barely see it out of the corner of my eye. My eyes are stuck on the ceiling. Looking at them always makes it harder.  
The purple one looks at the monitors and then puts two fingers to my wrist.  
“What’s going on? She looks so calm.” The blue one says.  
“Yes, you’re right. She’s having all the physical symptoms of a panic attack, which I expected, but none of the, uh, panic.” The purple one lets go of my wrist and snaps his fingers in front of my face. I don’t notice. The outside world is going blurry. I’m retreating into my mind. I am safe in my mind. Pain is a creation of the mind. I am safe in my mind.  
I lose track of time in this state. Time goes by in stills. I haven’t registered any pain yet. Strange- I usually would at this point. The red one comes in at one point and yells into my face, I think. I hear buzzing and I feel his hot breath on my face, but I don’t register much more than that. They’re speaking about me, most likely, but none of them have touched me yet, at least not harmfully.  
The purple one is almost always with me. The blue one comes and goes, and the orange one, Mikey, comes in a few times to try and wake me up. I am inside my mind. I cannot be woken.  
I can stay in this state until I fall asleep- but eventually, I do sleep. And when I awaken the safety of my mind is gone and I gasp, trying to sit up but falling back down due to the straps. No pain yet, I noticed immediately. What were they planning to do to me? Did they want me awake before they began? Bastards.  
“Finally.” The purple one speaks up, and I turn my head to see him. I try to block my emotions, but sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t. This time it didn’t. I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. The burst would only make them angrier. I had to keep it inside.  
“Wait, please, don’t do that again.” I hear heavy footfalls crashing over to me, the sound heightened in my panicked mind. I can’t hold it in any longer and I release all of the fear bubbling up inside me with a shrill groan. I hear the turtle fall to the floor in pain, and I struggled to rein it in, to close the passage of emotion. I let out a loud, shrill scream to empty myself of the pent up fear, and I feel the opening slowly come to a close, and my feelings are mine once more.  
I slowly open my eyes to find the purple one kneeling on the ground a few feet away, holding his head and staring at the floor with wide eyes. It takes a few seconds for him to slowly stand back on his feet- the sudden rush and then just as sudden absence of such strong, foreign emotion can be pretty disorienting. I watch him, trying to keep as calm as possible, as he slowly walks the rest of the way over to me.  
“I didn’t do it on purpose, I’m sorry.” I say, tears pricking my eyes as I wait for whatever punishment awaits me. “Please have mercy, I didn’t mean to.”  
“Hey…” The purple-banded turtle gives me a small, sad smile. “Hey, it’s okay. I’m not going to hurt you. Just calm down, and we can talk. It seems we have a lot to talk about.”  
I take another breath, deeper than the last, and nod slowly. This turtle’s aura remained calm and pleasant, and I tried to take that in and let it calm me.  
The turtle turns and grabs a chair, rolling it over and sitting on it next to the gurney. He regards me for a long time before he speaks.  
“We have reason to believe you have information on the Shredder.” He finally says.  
“The Master?” I question, furrowing my brows. I wish I knew more about him. The mystery of him was unsettling. All I knew him as was a bringer of misery.  
“What?” The turtle looks at me quizzically.  
“The Master is what I was supposed to call him when he had me at his lair. Or lab. Whatever it was.” I reply, having almost completely calmed myself. This turtle would not hurt me, I could tell. His aura, down to the core, was good.  
“Were you… a henchman?” He asks gently.  
“Were you?” I counter. I didn’t know anything about these creatures. Just that they were similar to the others.  
“No!” Purple exclaimed, surprised. “What gave you that idea?”  
“Well, you’re just like the… the henchman he had.” I look away. I don’t want to remember them right now.  
“The Shredder has more mutant turtles hanging around his hideout?” He asks, sounding skeptical.  
“Well, not turtles.” I glance away from him too the ceiling. I didn’t want to talk about them, explain them. I had assumed these mutant animals already knew about the other mutant animals. “A rhino and a warthog.” I told him in a tight voice.  
“Oh, them. Bepop and Rocksteady. Yes, they’re his henchman, but other than the mutagen we have no connection to them, except as enemies.”  
I nod slowly. That, at least, is a weight off my mind. Not enough, but some.  
“Well, that’s good.” The emotions were coming again. I had to keep them inside. I couldn’t do that to this creature again. He was kind to me, his aura was kind. I didn’t want to punish that kindness.  
“Why were you with the Shredder?” He asks gently, and I’m happy for the change of subject.  
“He killed my parents when I was seven or eight.” I begin. I chuckle. “That’s not super uncommon for him. Kill the parents, take the kid. Fresh meat. Kids, they’re more moldable, mentally and genetically. Experiments, that’s what he needed me for. I don’t know exactly what he did, but now I’ve got this weird emotion-y extra sense.” I shrug. Hell if I know what he did to me.  
“And what is that sense, exactly?” The purple one asks, looking intrigued.  
“Um…” I pull on the straps. “Can I get out of these, if we’re going to continue talking?”  
“All right, but I have a sedative set up right here,” He motions to a full syringe- “So don’t think about running. I haven’t verified any of your story yet.”  
I nod silently as he leans over and undoes the straps on my arms, then my legs. Slowly, I sit up, a hand going to my throat to assess damage. I see the turtle’s hand flinch towards the sedative. They really do not want me dead.  
“So what’s your beef with the Master?” I ask, feeling the soreness of the cut underneath the gauze. “You seem really intent on keeping me alive for information.”  
“That’s not the only reason we want you alive.” He says.  
“Right. Big Red hasn’t had his go of me yet- I forgot.” I gripe.  
He leans forward and meets my eyes. “We don’t want you dead because we don’t want anyone dead.” He leans back in his chair and continues to eye me. “We’re the good guys, believe it or not.”  
“I’ll believe it when I see it.” I pull my hand away from my neck and tug a few fingers through my hair. Knots like a boy scout did them.  
“So, your turn. What’s up with the powers?” He asks.  
“I wouldn’t call it a power.” I say, looking up at the ceiling. “I can feel someone’s aura, who they are, so to speak. It can be colored with intense emotions when they’re being felt, and they show me the frequent emotions, the intensity of them… I can feel who someone is. Roughly. The emotions of the present cloud the inner core sometimes. It’s not always accurate for much more than what they’re feeling in that moment.” I sigh, glancing over at him. “As well as the bursts.”  
“The emotional… bursts, I’m assuming.”  
“Uh huh. It happens when I’m feeling too much to keep inside. Most people just cry when that happens.” I look to the other side of the room. “I burst.”  
“I see.” He nods. “So what you did wasn’t on purpose.”  
“No.” I say, avoiding his eyes. “I never mean for it to happen, but I’m not very good at controlling it.”  
“That’s okay. We must have scared you with all the chasing.”  
I shrug. “That, too.”  
“What else?” He scrunches his face at me- I see the almost silly expression in the corner of my eye.  
“Well, the rhino and the warthog… you know… I thought you were like them.” I admit.  
His face devolves into even more confusion. “What were they like?”  
“You know.” I should never have even invited the questioning. I take a deep breath, pushing the emotions way down. I had to stay cool.  
“No, I don’t.” He leans forward. “With all due respect, I have no idea what you mean.”  
“Don’t make me say it.” I groan and fall back down onto the cot, my eyes squeezed shut.”  
“Did they hurt you?” He presses on.  
“You could say that.” I say sarcastically. Sarcasm can usually push out emotions, temporarily.  
“I don’t follow.”  
“They raped me.” I stare straight ahead, internalizing the monotone voice. They were just words. Communication. The words couldn’t mean anything, or I would lose it.  
The turtle is quiet for a long time. His aura was darker than before, but that’s all I let myself feel. His negative emotions would set off my own. He was sure to have more questions, so I have to keep control.  
“W-What?” He said after awhile. His voice was quivering.  
“The injections gave me this ability, and I saw the true evil in the Master. I refused to do what he wanted me to do, so he threw me to his henchmen- the mutants. They did what they wanted with me for years, until I finally escaped a few months ago.” I dipped my head. “I’d rather not go into more detail than that.”  
“Of-of course not.” He stammered, swiveling away in his chair, staring at the monitors instead of me. “U-um, are you okay?” He asks nervously.  
“No.” I say, but backpedal once I see his expression. “I’m okay now.” I tell him. “They left a lot of… scars.”  
The turtle nods slowly, looking shocked. Once he turns his back to me and begins typing, I glance at the needle.  
I grab the needle and line it up with a vein. Now that I knew they wouldn’t hurt me- at least, the purple one wouldn’t- a long sleep sounded marvelous.  
“Sorry, purple. I’m just so tired.” The medicine was forced into my vein before I even had a chance to turn around. I lay back and sigh, feeling the medicine drip through my veins and instantly exhaust me.  
“Hey, wait!” I hear him yell before I slip into oblivion.


	3. Red

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to Wanda Farmer and Emily for commenting on my latest chapter!! I get pretty nervous sharing a piece of writing this intense, and the encouragement is VERY appreciated. Anyway, here's the next chapter. Gets pretty dark in the middle. Thanks for reading!

I have no idea how many hours I slept. Probably too many. I groaned and stretched, hearing the cracks and pops of my joints from hours of inactivity. I flutter my eyes open and look around. I remember where I am this time, but I notice that this time, no one’s in the room. No one’s watching me.   
I glance side to side and slowly slide off the bed. I look myself over and find gauze wrapped over some old wounds that never wanted to heal up. The purple one must have looked me over while I was asleep. He must have seen the scars across my chest.   
My stomach heaves at the thought and I begin to step around the room, looking over things. There was a lot of tech, but also quite a bit of personal stuff. This room must double for one of the turtle’s rooms; probably the smart one, the purple one. After a quick scan of the room I pad over to the door and rest my hand on it. I close my eyes and try to feel an aura anywhere around me. Nothing.   
Silently, I open the door and slip out. I have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing. It’s an instinct. Survival instinct.   
The hallway is empty, as I knew it would be, and slip out, walking quickly down the hallway. I kept my mind alert for any sign of an aura coming towards me.   
The longer I walked, the more frightened I became. These were the creatures I was warned about back at the Master- Shredder’s- place, so many times. That if they got ahold of me, they would hurt me. Bad. Worse than the pig and the rhino did.   
They’re even the same type of creatures! Humanoid animals. What would be the odds that the same creatures as the pig and rhino WEREN’T going to hurt me?   
“There are four of them, not just two.” The rhino had told me once. The fear had stuck with me. I could barely handle the abuse from the two of them- how was I supposed to suffer at the hands of four of them?   
Four not two, four not two… I began to run as the words ran through my head. It clouded my mind, and before I knew it I had run right into an aura zone. I was close. I stopped briefly, only to assuage who the aura belonged to.   
The red one.   
I ran blindly, as fast as I could. I tried to keep the emotions to a minimum. The burst could alert the creature to where I was.   
I ran so fast, in fact, that I didn’t even catch which way the aura was coming from. I chose wrong, and that brought me running right into a huge wall of muscle, shell and scales.   
I bounced off the fleshy wall easily and fell back onto the floor, too shocked by the sudden obstacle that I didn’t assuage the aura at first. I didn’t even wonder who it was- I didn’t put two and two together that the aura probably matched up with the turtle I just hit.   
So when I looked up and saw the red turtle glaring down at me, I practically shit my pants.   
“You…” Was all he was able to get out before he was hit with the burst of fear that I couldn’t get control of. It wasn’t like it was avoidable- the shock mixed with the intense fear at the sight of him had completely broken any ability I had at keeping the barriers of emotion sealed.   
Big red groaned on the floor for a few seconds before I was able to get control of myself enough to rein it in. I took a deep breath, waiting for what was to come, knowing that it would not end well.   
“You bitch…” He growled, looking up and giving me a look of pure hate. I whimpered and pushed myself back, still on the floor.   
He clenched his fists and rose to his full height, which I cowered under.   
A hand reached down to grasp my collar and I was yanked off the ground and suddenly we were eye to eye.   
“You weren’t so fuckin’ scared when you were stabbing me, were you?” He smirked and sneered at me. “All whimperin’ and crying like some pathetic yellow belly.”   
“I’m sorry…” The words came out as a whisper. The collar of my shirt was digging into my throat. “I didn’t mean to…”   
“Didn’t mean to what? Fuckin’ stab me?” He whirled around and slammed me into a rocky wall behind us. “Gimme a break.”   
“Please!” My voice was stolen by terror. The sheer mental toll involved in keeping that terror inside my head robbed me of being able to do anything else, and the fear in my voice was embarrassingly obvious.   
“Please what?” He pulled back and slammed me into the wall again, forcing all the breath out of me. He grabbed my hair and used it to force my face closer to his.   
“I’ve been waiting for your pathetic ass to wake up for days so I could do this.” He snarls at me and throws me onto the ground. I land hard and my head slams onto the concrete. A loud, piercing groan escapes me when my head makes contact, and suddenly all the fear is unable to be contained. The pounding in my head made it impossible to focus on the barrier, and it broke like a faucet turning on. The emotions. Outside the haze, I heard the red mutant groan, temporarily incapacitated by me, so I stumbled my way to my feet and began to run. I could get a head start on him- the burst didn’t feel like it would finish up for another few seconds, and by then I could be gone through the dark tunnel. All I had to do was run, run, and eventually I’d be safe. Run, just run.   
As I ran through the tunnel it got darker and darker, so dark that I couldn’t see anything. I slowed down as it became pitch black and just stumbled along the wall, trying to go as fast as I could without tripping over myself or some other unseen obstacle. There were no auras anywhere near, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t still trip over my own feet. I wasn’t exactly graceful.   
I pushed myself to keep going until the pain in my head was just too much. I collapsed on the concrete, breathing hard through sobs that were belatedly escaping my throat. With no one around, I wailed and let the barriers fall, letting the emotion out into the empty void of the sewer. No one was close enough to get hit by it. It was easier just to let it out rather than try to keep it inside. I reached up and tried to find the place where my head hit the floor. My hand reached a wet spot. I couldn’t tell if it was blood or water or something else. I groaned once more and let myself lie down on the side of the concrete tunnel. I wasn’t tired- I had slept too much in the past few days for that- so I just stared, eyes open, into the dank black abyss and tried to collect myself.   
So I had no idea where I was, how I’d gotten here, or how to get out. Sounds about on par for me. Undoubtedly the mutants would come looking for me. Did they have night vision? Who knows. Perhaps there was a way to hide myself. My eyes had adjusted a little bit and I looked around, but it was just a smooth concrete tunnel. Nowhere to hide. Nothing to kill myself with either, besides banging my head against the wall until I died, but I probably didn’t have the willpower for that, and I wasn’t about to try.   
I sighed, knowing that I had just dug myself into a hole that I couldn’t get out of. They’d find me eventually, and then I’d be even more fucked.   
As suspected, it’s not long until I begin to hear footsteps in the tunnel, the sound bouncing off the walls and coming towards me. The aura belongs to the orange one. Definitely not the worst one, considering the options.   
“Hey, uh… angelcakes?” He calls into the darkness, and I shiver at the cutesy nickname. The pig used to call me cutesy nicknames right before he… no, don’t think about it.   
He gets closer and closer, calling for me, until he sees me on the side of the tunnel and runs over to me. He reaches for something on his side and speaks into it. “I found her in the L tunnel, I’ll bring her back right away.”   
“Why won’t you freaks just let me die?” I whisper to him as he puts away the device.   
He doesn’t answer me- he just scoops me up and turns around, walking towards the place that I really do not want to be. He’s touching my skin, and I feel his body shiver with mine in shared fear.   
“Quit doing that.” He says to me in a small voice.   
“I can’t.” I whisper. “I can’t control it. I’m sorry.”   
“How does that… work, then? What you’re doing?” This one is very good at pushing through the fear I’m forcing him to feel.   
“When someone touches me, they feel what I feel.” I say. He stops and looks down at me.   
“You’re that scared of me?” His own emotions are leaking in now. Sadness. A lot of sadness.   
“I…” I don’t know how to answer him. I am, but he seems so sad at the revelation. I don’t know how to comfort him.   
“I’m sorry about what happened to you.” He says. I’m not sure exactly which ‘happened’ he’s referring to, but I let him go on. “But just know, I won’t let anyone hurt you.” He leans into my ear. “Especially Raph.”   
“Is that his name?” I ask. Talking to him like this does make me less anxious, so I continue.   
“Yeah. I’m Mikey, by the way. The blue one is Leo, and the purple one who’s been taking care of you is Donnie.” Mikey explains.   
“Donnie. Leo. Mikey.” I try out the names on my tongue.   
“Yeah. We’re not gonna hurt you, really. Raph just did… whatever he did… because he didn’t know.” Mikey says.   
“What didn’t he know?” I ask, curiosity almost overtaking the fear inside of me. I can see him visibly relax with the change.   
“Well, you know… what you told Donnie.” He says sheepishly   
“Donnie told you all?” I asked, my voice small. The fear was coming back, along with embarrassment, and I felt it transferring from my skin to his.   
“Uh…” He was flustered by the sudden embarrassment, both mine and, probably, his. “Well, he told me and Leo. He didn’t get to Raph before…”   
“Yeah. Before.” I don’t let him go on.   
“Right. Well, he knows now, and he’ll back off of you.” Mikey smiles at me, but the smile is forced because of the negative emotions coursing through his mind, thanks to me.   
“Great.” I slump in his arms and try to turn my mind off. Before long, we’ve made it back to the open, lighted area of their home. Mikey speeds up and soon we’re at the same door I slipped out of hours ago. He opens the door and soon we’re right back where I started.   
He lets me down and I wobble, still a little disoriented from the head injury. I glance down at my hand to find what was, indeed, blood on my hands. I bring my hand up to my head and find blood matted into my hair.   
“Oh my god… he did that to you?” Mikey leans over and inspects the bloody mess of my head.   
“I mean, he threw me to the floor, but I’m the one who let my head hit the floor.” I say, trying to lighten the mood. He doesn’t take it well and ushers me back to the bed. All the sharp objects, I found, had been removed from the immediate premises.   
When I settle back into bed, he sticks his hands in his pockets and sighs. “Do you want something to eat?” He asks.   
“Um…” I couldn’t remember the last time I had a real meal. It was an intriguing proposition.   
“I can make you anything. Toast or soup if you’re not really feeling it, or I can make pizza, or mac n cheese, or anything really.” He pauses. “But you should really eat something.”   
“Toast would be great.” I say delicately, giving him a small smile. He grins and as he’s about to leave, the purple one- Donnie- walks in, and they trade places. Like I need a babysitter. Well, I’ve proven them right on that.


	4. Cry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yepp, i'm still going. i'm pretty high right now and I have a lot of this fic done so I wanted to add another chapter bc I want attention so uh comment okay thanks for reading bye

“How are you?” Is the first thing Donnie asks. Not ‘how could you do that’ or ‘you idiot’ or ‘you’re a stupid fucking bitch’. Just… How am I?  
“I’m fine.” I say automatically. He gives me a dubious look. I sigh. “My head hurts, but it’s not that bad. It was my fault.” It was always my fault.  
“It wasn’t your fault. Raph has a bad temper. That doesn’t excuse what he did, of course, but it does explain it to an extent.”  
“I’m sorry. It was my fault. I was the one who ran away, ran into him, enraged him. It was my fault. Mine.” Oh god. I felt a panic attack coming on, bursts of emotion that I didn’t know if I could control. I tried to breath evenly. I didn’t want to cause any more harm.  
“Hey, hey, no. It’s okay, it wasn’t your fault. Calm down.” He impulsively reaches over and touches my arm. He immediately pulls it back as if he’d been zapped. He had, by the self-loathing negativity of my mind.  
“Don’t touch me.” I whimper. “I’ll only do more damage.”  
“No, no, don’t worry about it. We just want to make you better.”  
“I don’t deserve it.” My fault. “My fault.” I squeeze my eyes closed and curl into myself. “Please, go. I’m gonna hurt you, I don’t want to. Please.”  
“No, I won’t.” He puts his hand on me again, but this time he doesn’t pull away. I look at him in alarm and look down at his hand. It does feel nice to be touched like that by someone, though.  
“Please, no, I’m hurting you.” I whimper.  
“I’m okay.” Donnie’s voice is strained, but he begins rubbing my arm comfortingly. I slowly begin to lean into him. “You’re going to be okay. Nothing here is your fault. You’re a victim, stuck in a hard situation. It’s not your fault.”  
“I…” My throat is caught suddenly, and completely unexpectedly, by a debilitating sob. I haven’t sobbed in years. The crying made it harder for me with the mutants, so I suppressed it. But now, I wasn’t afraid to cry. And surprisingly, the crying was enough of an outlet for my emotions that I didn’t feel at all like I might burst.  
He completely envelops me in his arms and I sob into him. I feel him shaking too, and I think he’s started to cry as well. I lay there in his arms crying for a while, until I hear the door opening.  
“Okay, we have some toast, some yogurt, and-“ Mikey walks in, his chipper voice echoing through the room. Donnie lets go of me immediately and looks over at him.  
“Tryin’ to put the moves on the new girl already? I thought I called dibs!” Mikey teases his brother and walks over to me, presenting me a plate of perfectly golden brown toast, a cup of yogurt, and a small cup of fresh fruit.  
I smile up at him. “Thank you, Mikey.” I swipe the rest of the tears away and try to rein in the sobs. I’m suddenly starving. I wonder when the last time I had eaten was. It had been awhile.  
Donnie and Mikey went to the other side of the room while I ate and talked in hushed voices. I stole a glance at them every now and then, polishing off the food extremely quickly. I had a sudden craving for a cigarette, and I looked around the room, wondering if they had brought my backpack.  
“What is it?” I look up and find the two of them watching me. Mikey walks over and takes the plate from me.  
“Oh, I, uh, I can get it.” I say automatically. I’m not used to people doing things for me.  
“Don’t worry.” He gives me this cute little grin and winks at me before walking away and slipping out the door.  
“So what were you looking for?” I turn and see Donnie, smiling at me. His aura exuded a desire to help.  
“Uh, my backpack?” I ask, blushing a bit. I didn’t want to be a bother.  
“Oh, yes!” He turns and hurries to the other side of the room to grab my black backpack. I grinned. There wasn’t much in there, but it was nice not to lose what little I had.  
He handed the pack to me and I dug around, looking for the cigs. I found the pack, but before I pulled them out I looked up at Donnie, worried that he may not be okay with the smoking.  
“What’s wrong?” He asks with that same helpful smile on his face.  
“Can I, uh…” I look down and fiddle with the pack with my fingers.  
“Smoke? Of course. It’s the sewer, after all.” He responds almost immediately.  
“How’d you know?” I glance up at him, confused. “Did you go through my bag?”  
“Of course we did. We needed to know if you were a threat.” His aura turns apologetic, and his expression matches. “I’m sorry, but we didn’t mess with anything or take anything away. I give you my word.”  
“Your word, huh?” I pull out a smoke and hold it between my lips, pulling out a lighter and setting the tip ablaze.  
“Yes. I wish I could give you something more than my word that you can trust us, but I suppose it’ll have to do for now.” He shrugs.  
“Fair enough. You haven’t hurt me yet.” I pull the smoke into my lungs and breath it out in relief. That’s nice.  
“When did you start smoking?” He asks, and his aura portrays a mix of helpfulness and disapproval, so I knew he was about to lay into me regarding the health concerns.  
“When they started to… well, you know. They left them around, and I found that it made me feel better for a little while to do it. I know it isn’t good for me, but nothing that feels good is, right?”  
“Well…”  
“You know what, don’t answer that.” I take another drag. “After what I’ve gone through, I think I deserve something a little unhealthy.”  
“Fair enough.” He turns away from me and begins to work on something on his computer. I lean back, still working on the cig. I wonder when the leader in blue, Leonardo, is going to come in and look at me with the pity that I could see hiding in Mikey and Donnie’s eyes and layered thinly through their aura.


	5. Backstory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yooooo here's chapter 5. kinda short. Peace out yo. Plz comment

Turns out I didn’t have to wait too long. The door opens slowly, but I know who it is before I see his face. The aura is grounded, one of the most grounded I had ever felt. This was not a man who would lose his temper, or question himself. He knew what he was about.   
Our eyes met and he grimaced at me. I rolled my eyes in return and greeted him with a peace sign. He returned the two-fingered gesture with a small wave.   
“Hello.” He said as he walked toward me. Leonardo walked smoothly, more gracefully than the others. He stood with power and confidence. He walked like he was the one who had all the answers, despite coming to me with questions.   
Without any other greeting than the ‘hello’, he grabs a chair and sits down next to the bed I’m lying on.   
“All right, let’s get this over with.” I push myself more concretely into a sitting position, rather than lounging over the bed. “What do you want to know?”   
“I’m sorry.” He says, and I cock my eyebrow at him. That wasn’t a question. “I’m so sorry for what they did to you, and what Raph did to you. I just want you to know that we will not hurt you, and that we want to take down the men who hurt you.” His aura practically glowed with sincerity. Not a word of this monologue of his was false. “Do you think you can help us to take them down?”   
“It would be a pleasure and an honor.” I tell him with a nod. He smiles and turns to Donnie.   
As if on cue, Donnie wheels over to me. “So, while you were out, I took the liberty of examining you.”   
I fell silent. Oh god, he had seen the scars. I didn’t want to talk about that, I didn’t. I just wanted to not be aware of emotional bursts for ten seconds, was that too much to ask?  
“What’s the diagnosis, doc?” I ask in a casual, if strained, voice.   
“You’ve definitely got a concussion. It’s not mild, but it’s certainly not severe. There are several unhealed wounds that I cleaned up and bandaged, and your right ankle is not in good shape.”   
“It’s been like that for awhile.” I admit.   
“Looks like you’ll always have a little bit of a limp, but here you’ll be able to heal it as best as it can be healed.” Donnie says.   
“So how long, Donnie?” Leo looks at his brother.   
“How long for what?” I ask, my voice unintentionally leaking nervousness.   
“Well, I,” Leo quickly gathers himself, “I spoke to sensei, and he thinks you should begin training for your ability as soon as you’re physically healthy enough.”   
“Training?” I’m taken aback. “What could your… um… sensei, know about training me? I don’t even know anything about training me.”   
“Sensei is very wise. He knows so much about the workings of the mind, of emotions, of control.” Leo says, like he’s speaking about his hero. “I have no doubt that he could teach you.”   
“If you insist.” I shrug. “When will I meet this sensei of yours?”   
“Very soon. We just have a few more things to talk about.” Leo pauses. “It’s about the Shredder.”   
“Ah.” I reach down for my bag. “Let me just pull out my emotional anti-overreaction device.” I grab a cigarette and a lighter and light it without looking at either of them.   
“I, um, sure, u- oh.” He sputters as he watches the smoke float up towards the ceiling. “Okay.”   
“Start talking, I have about ten minutes before this is gone.” I tell him.   
“Okay” He sits straighter. “Lightening round. When did he kidnap you?”   
“About seven years ago.”   
“How old are you?”   
“Sixteen.”   
“Were you the only one?”   
“No, there were others. Some died, and some were killed, and some were taken away. The ones who survived, I don’t know, because they locked me in that closet for a long, long time. I never came out.” I took a deep drag to steady myself.   
“How old were the others?”   
“Around my age. Something about genes and body chemistry being more pliable or something for kids.”   
“Did they do the same thing to them as they did to you?”   
“They injected us all with stuff. But I don’t know if it was the same stuff. It manifested in different things either way. Some people mutated physically, some mentally, and some not at all.”   
“Did you all arrive at the same time?”   
“No. We trickled in one by one. Basically, as soon as someone died or was taken, they were replaced with another. All the fresh ones were children, then they were experimented on, and whatever happened, happened. They were either useful or… dead.”   
“So what did the Shredder do with the ones who didn’t?”   
“Didn’t die? They either became henchmen or they ran. I don’t know what happens to the ones who ran, but I bet a lot of them were caught and killed.”   
Leo nods slowly. He pauses for a few seconds before his next question. “When did you run?”   
“About a month ago.” The cigarette is almost gone. I smoked it faster than usual due to the stress of the conversation. “You got time for one more question.”   
“What is planning to use these children for?” He leans forward and meets my eyes.   
“He wants a strong, diverse army of sorts. He wasn’t satisfied with the goons he had. He wanted goons and henchmen with an upper hand. He figured if he made these abilities as diverse as possible, he could have a goon for any possible situation.” I finish the cigarette and put it out. “If you want more info, I’ll have to start another smoke.”   
“I’ll wait until later, for the sake of your health.” He gives me an easy grin and stands. “I’ll see you later in the dojo.” He turns and confidently walks out of the room.   
“What’s the dojo?” I ask.   
“It’s the place where we train. You’ll train there too, but you’ll probably do it at a different time than us.” Donnie tells me. “You won’t be able to start for a few days, what with the concussion.”   
I nod. “So then… what should I do?”   
“Rest. Heal. Try not to worry.” He says gently, looking me straight in the eye. “We want you to get better.”   
I nod slowly, lowering my eyes to my bag and slowly picking out another cigarette. I would smoke this and go to sleep, I decided. On my own this time, without stealing drugs. I was beginning to trust these creatures. They wouldn’t hurt me in my sleep.   
Probably, said the doubt that had taken up residence permanently in my head.   
I light the cigarette.


	6. Sleep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First bit of fluff that isn't dripping with angst (Okay there's still a little in this chapter tho) anyway I hope you like it pls comment I love attention

I’m back. I’m naked, I’m cold, I’m sore, I’m scared. I’m in the dark room, the only light coming from the streetlights that glowed through the one small window of my cell. They would be here soon. They would hurt me. Would they kill me this time? I hoped so.   
There they were, all muscles and gear and evil smirks. They liked hurting me. I had scars all over my mutilated body to prove it.   
In and out. It hurt with every thrust. They were crouching over me. Inside me. Help, help, help, help…   
The screaming in my head became screaming from my mouth as I woke up, throat, ragged, from the nightmare. I looked around in the dark. I wasn’t there anymore. No, I was somewhere else. Everything was okay.   
As I tried to calm my breathing and rubbed my neck, trying to massage my throat from the outside, the door was thrown open.   
“Angelcakes?!” It was Mikey. His aura was full of terror. He was afraid for me.   
“Sorry.” I rub my eyes as he turns on the lights. He rushes over to me and instinctively puts a hand to my cheek.   
“Are you okay?” He asks me. I lean into his hand. I can feel his terror, and I try to feel calm, so that he can be calm as well.   
“Yes. It was just a nightmare.” I tell him, and I feel his fear fade, influenced by my calmness, which his presence gave me. We made each other calm.  
“Is she okay?” I look up and find Donnie and Leo in the doorway, looking nervous.   
“She’s fine.” Mikey’s thumb begins circling the skin of my cheek, and I find myself completely calm. “She had a nightmare.”   
“The fuck is going on?” The red one pokes his head between the other two in the doorway, irritated and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.   
“Nothing. Just a nightmare.” Leo tells him, and the red one rolls his eyes and walk off. I breathe a sigh of relief, letting go of fear I didn’t know had built up when I saw him. I became aware of Mikey still cradling my face, and I glanced over at him, suddenly aware that he was still feeling everything that I felt. He grimaced at me.   
“So you’re sure you’re okay?” Donnie asks me.   
“Yes. I’m sorry I woke everyone up.” I take Mikey’s hand and gently remove it. My emotions are so unpredictable. If he’s touching me for much longer, I might hurt him. Even so, I have trouble letting go of his hand.   
“Okay. I’m gonna go back to bed, then.” Leo says, yawning, and Donnie follows. Soon it’s just Mikey and I. This feels the most safe, for some reason. I still haven’t let go of his hand, and he doesn’t seem to be pulling away.   
“You should… you should go back to bed. You need your rest.” I tell him. I wonder if he can identify the feeling coursing into his brain, via my skin. Hesitation.   
“I, uh… I guess.” He stands from his crouching position, but we still haven’t separated our hands.   
We stand there silently for a few moments, feeling each other’s feelings. Almost like we’re having a conversation through emotions. I look up, and he meets my eye. He can understand.   
“Or I could stay in here for the night. You know, in case…” I can feel him trying to come up with an excuse.   
“In case I have… a… “ I struggle to come up with a reason as well.   
“Of course. Right.” He says, cutting off my train of thought. He sits down next to my bed and leans his head on the mattress. Our hands are still connected.   
“No, I can sleep on the floor, you can have the bed.” I say without thinking. It feels right to offer him the bed. He’s done so much good, I can feel it. I haven’t done a damn thing.   
“No, you’re still healing. You need the bed.” He smiles at me. His aura is sincere. I smile back.   
“But you’ll stay in here?”   
“I’ll stay in here.”   
Satisfied and too tired to fight him anymore, I lay back down, never letting go of his hand. His aura is so positive, so genuine, so safe. Like melatonin, it lulls me back to sleep. I have no more nightmares that night.


	7. Sensei

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What up my dudes. I'm probably just gonna update this every two days until I run out of material. Comment plz I love attention. It's a pretty good chapter I guess, but y'all can decide for yourselves on that one. All right peace and love over and out see ya in two days

Feeling adequately rested for the first time that I can remember, I slowly flutter my eyelids open. The first thing I notice is him. Mikey’s hand was still holding mine, and though he was sound asleep, I can feel vague representations of what he’s dreaming about. Just the feelings; not what’s actually happening. It’s a happy dream, though.  
Carefully, so as not to wake him, I slide my hand out of his and stretch my fingers. It felt a little empty without the subtle joy in the back of my head that comes from Mikey’s skin against mine.  
Donnie pokes his head into the room. He looks tired, with a cup of coffee in his hand.  
“Good morning.” He says, raising the cup at me.  
“Morning.” I say quietly, still conscious of Mikey.  
“Mikey’s still asleep, huh?” Donnie chuckles as he sits down at his desk. “Leo came in here a few hours ago. You two were fast asleep, holding hands. He decided to let Mikey sleep.”  
I nod silently, and Donnie swivels around and flips a switch. The monitors begin to turn on with a loud hum.  
“Huh!” Out of nowhere, Mikey pushes himself up and looks around. He had been startled awake.  
“Morning, sunshine.” Donnie says as he sips his drink.  
“What… where…” he looks over at me, and understanding fills his aura. “Oh. Right.”  
“You missed practice this morning.” Donnie says offhand, already working on something.  
“What?! Why didn’t anyone wake me up?” Mikey jumps up and looks around, like he’s not sure what to do.  
“Calm down, bro. Leo knows you’ve got some sleep problems, so he wanted to let you get your rest.”  
“Yeah…. I slept really well last night.”  
“Which is weird because you slept sitting up on the floor against a bedframe.” Donnie smirks.  
“Yeah…” Mikey glances over at me again, a small smile forming on his lips. I return the smile and shrug.  
“Sensei wants you to work with him now, though.” Donnie says, and Mikey nods and stands.  
“Sensei wants to meet you too.” Donnie glances at me. “You two can go together.”  
“Why would he want to meet me with Mikey?” I ask, confused but grateful.  
“Ask him. I don’t know everything.” Donnie quips. “Just most things.”  
Before I can think of a reply, Mikey takes my hand and leads me out the door. As soon as my foot leaves the room, my body fills with fear.  
Mikey glances over at me, my own fear showing on his face. “What’s wrong?” He asks.  
“Nothing.” I stammer, yanking my hand from his. His face falls.  
“Is it Raph?” He asks.  
“Maybe.” I glare at the ground and fold my arms.  
“It’ll be okay. C’mon.” He offers me his hand again, but I don’t take it. I simply nod forward, implying that he should lead the way.  
He sighs and nods, turning and walking through the corridor. I follow him, painfully aware of his disappointment.  
Soon we’re in front of a door. There are two aura’s beyond the door, on familiar and one not. They were so drastically different.  
“I can’t go in there.” I mutter, taking a step back. The red one was in that room.  
“Why?” Mikey looks at me, worried.  
“He’s in there.” I say.  
“Raph?”  
“Yeah.”  
Mikey frowns and his hand moves to open the door. I flinch and take another step back, fighting the urge to run.  
Mikey cracks the door open and yells through the opening. “Hey, Raph! Get outta there, it’s my turn to work with Sensei!”  
“Go fuck yourself!” Came the heated reply. I gulp. Mikey looks over at me again and I shake my head. I wasn’t going in there.  
“C’mon, man, please?” Mikey calls again into the room.  
“Why the fuck can’t you work with him while I’m in here?”  
“Because!” Mikey pauses, seemingly searching for an excuse. The pause is long enough for Raphael to interrupt him.  
“Is it the girl?” At my mention, I take another step back, against the opposite wall. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to be anywhere near him.  
“…Maybe.” Mikey replies hesitantly.  
“Michelangelo, please come in with the girl. Do not worry about Raphael.” Came another voice. A calm, secure voice. I matched the aura with the voice.  
Mikey glanced at me once more, then turned back. “I, uh… I don’t think she’s comfortable with that.” He stammers.  
There is a short pause, and a furry hand appears and pushes the door open. Standing there in the doorway is a giant, humanoid rat. And his aura was the epitome of peace.  
“Please, my dear, come in.” He says, and I immediately trust him. The other creature in the room, though, I couldn’t trust less.  
“I…” I stammer, unable to tell him no but also unable to force myself to walk through the door. I avoid his gaze and play with my fingers. I expect the aura to turn to frustration, but it remains steadily calm.  
“Please, dear. You are safe here.” The rat walks up to me and presents his hand to me. “Come with me.”  
“I… I don’t think you want me to touch you.” I say quietly.  
“Quite the contrary.” The rat says through a small smile. “I would love to see for myself the power you hold inside yourself.”  
I take a deep breath and nod. I present my hand and gently place it in his. The rat puts his other paw across my hand and closes his eyes. His aura is unbelievably steady. He nods to himself and opens his eyes to meet my gaze. “I see.”  
“What? What do you see?” Mikey asks excitedly.  
He doesn’t answer Mikey. He continues to talk only to me. “Come. We have much to work on.”  
“But he’s…” I try to protest, but the rat shakes his head.  
“You must not be frightened of Raphael. He is a good man. He will not hurt you.”  
“Again, you mean. He won’t hurt me again.” I say through my teeth.  
“I apologize for what has been done, but you must learn to trust him.”  
“I’d rather not.” I mutter, but the rat’s face, along with his aura, is stern. He won’t let me get out of this. “Fine.” I say, even more quietly, and let him pull me into the room. I keep my eyes glued to the floor, but I can still feel Raphael’s aura saturating the room. I try to pull my hand from the rat’s grip, but he doesn’t let go. I feel so exposed, letting this stern rat feel my terror, laying myself out bare for him. The room is bright and organized, and despite the clashing auras of the room, I find that I quite like it.


	8. Ruined

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty angsty chapter if you're into that. You're welcome if you are, i'm sorry if you're not. Another short one, but the next chapter will definitely be longer. anyway comment pls I love attention okay peace and love over and out see ya soon

The room was silent for a few seconds, and then I hear the sound of meaty fists hitting a punching bag. With every punch, my heart spikes. I take a deep breath. I can’t let myself burst.   
The rat leads me to a corner and turns around to me. “Sit, my dear.”   
I listen, letting myself lower to the ground and cross my legs. I continue to hear the meaty slaps behind me. I try to pull my hand away, but again the rat doesn’t let me.   
“You must let yourself feel, my child.” He tells me. “Otherwise you will never be able to control those feelings.”   
“I can’t.” I whisper. “When I feel too much, I hurt other people.”   
“This is because you don’t know how to manage your emotions. You have been through much trauma, my child, but you have great power inside of you. Together, you will learn to control, and then master, this power.”   
“I don’t know how.” Tears begin to spring from my eyes. “I’m just… I’m fucked up. I’m damaged goods. I’ll never be… worth it.”   
“You are.” The rat leans forward and wipes away a stray tear. “And this is a good start. Do not try to drown these emotions. Let yourself feel the pain. Then you will be able to control it.”   
“Hey uh, I don’t really know what’s happening right now, but… what should I be doing?” Mikey asks, a little jittery.   
“You will be very helpful soon, Michelangelo. For now, go practice with your brother.” The rat says, still keeping eye contact with me.   
“Yes, sensei.” Mikey says, and hurries over to Raphael.   
“Tell me of your struggle. Tell me of the trauma you have been repressing all these years. Let it all out. Empty yourself.” The rat- sensei- tells me. I shake my head.   
“No. If I… I’ll… I’ll burst. There are people in here. I’m going to hurt them. I’m going to hurt you.” I tell him, once again trying to pull my hand away. He doesn’t let me.   
“It will all be okay.”   
“No, it won’t.” I whisper, my hand restricting around sensei’s. “I’ll burst, and It’ll hit Mikey, and… and Raphael. He’ll get mad, and he’ll hurt me. I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t…” I shake my head back and forth rapidly. I can’t do this.   
“We must start somewhere, my child. You cannot begin-“   
“No!” I rip my hand from his and stand. “I can’t do this! I can’t do anything! I was damaged beyond repair! They took away everything! My family, my safety, my dignity! They made my life torture for years and years! They RUINED me!” I feel it coming up, like vomit, but I don’t stop. “I’m fucking ruined!”   
There it is. The pain leaves me, and shoots through the room and to the others. Both of the boys groan and fall. Sensei scrunches up his face and puts his head to his hands.   
Then I scream. I scream as loud as I can. I scream out the pain, the feelings. I feel it return back to me, but I don’t stop screaming. It feels so good. I have so much pain inside me. I’ve never let myself feel it like this. I scream and I scream until my throat is ragged. I don’t know how long I did this for. All I know is I came out of it on my hands and knees, a puddle of tears on the ground in front of me. I’m out of breath. I stare at the ground for a long time. Was this what was supposed to happen? Is this what sensei wanted?   
I cough a few times and look up at sensei. He had a smile dancing around his lips.   
“Is that what you wanted?” I say, my voice breathy and ragged.   
“That, my dear, is exactly what I wanted.” He says.   
“Coulda used a bit of warning.” I hear the deep, throaty voice behind me, and I take a deep breath, not turning around. Wow, his aura is so similar to the pig and rhino. Angry, smug, impatient. Violent.   
“I apologize, my son. I did not expect such a reaction so quickly.” Sensei looks at me again. “I’m quite pleased.”   
“Yeah, well, can I be done now?” I ask. “My throat hurts.”   
“For now, yes, you are excused.” He says. I nod and pull myself up, turning and heading for the door. I’m not sure what this was supposed to be, but something in me feels a little bit lighter.   
I step outside the door and close it, looking around. I’m not sure what to do now. Do I go back to the room? Do I explore? I know I won’t run into Raphael if I do.   
I begin walking. I don’t know where I’m walking, but I feel restless. I don’t want to go back to that room and do nothing. Soon, I run into a large room with a TV, a few couches, and some other miscellaneous furniture. Hesitantly, I walk up to the couch and lower myself onto it. I turn my attention to the television. The volume was low, and the channel was turned to a common cartoon. I remember seeing it when I was young. Surprising that it’s still on the air.   
I lean back into the couch, cross my legs, and let myself tune into to the story.


	9. Leo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all. This chapter is pretty graphic, just a warning! Thanks for reading. Please comment I love attention okay peace and love over and out Merry Christmas bitches

“How are you doing?” I jump at the sudden sound, looking over at the origin of the sound. Leonardo. Strange that I didn’t notice his aura. I must have really been tuned into the television.   
“I’m okay.” I push myself up into a sitting position and pull my knees to my chest. I didn’t know what he wanted, but whatever it was, it probably wasn’t good.   
“I heard what happened today in the dojo.” Leonardo walks over and sits down on the couch right next to me. I bristle- I didn’t trust him. He was too… fake. Professional. I don’t know; he seemed so on top of everything. It intimidated me, because I had so little control of myself.   
“Yeah.” I didn’t want to talk much about it. Not with him. Not with anyone. I didn’t want to talk about how broken I was.   
“Sensei has the right idea, even if you can’t see it right now.” He says, and I look over at him, scowling. “You’ve repressed all these emotions for so long. Which is fair, definitely. But your abilities stem from emotion, and if you can’t get control of those emotions, you can never gain control of those abilities.”   
“Thanks, captain obvious.” I mutter, shrinking in on myself. I did not want to have this conversation.   
“What I’m saying is that you need to-“   
“I KNOW what you’re saying.” I interrupt him, staring off into space. Looking anywhere but at him. “But I can’t. I’m broken. I can’t come back from… “ I falter, unsure of how to explain it to him.   
“Show me.” He says. I look over at him like he’s crazy.   
“What?”   
“Show me. Show me what you’ve been through.” He presents a hand to me. “Let me bear some of the burden. If you keep it inside forever, you’ll never be able to move past it.”   
“And you want to be the poor sucker who has to shoulder my pain?” I ask him dubiously.   
He catches my eye and nods. “Yes.” He says seriously.   
“You don’t want to do that.” I mutter.   
“Yes, I do.”   
I feel my lower lip quiver. I’m close. I’m close to letting the pain, the memories, force their way into the forefront of my mind. I glare at Leonardo,   
“Fine.” I say harshly, and unceremoniously stick my hand on top of his. I stare at the ground, eyes open, and I let myself remember.   
Cold, sore, scared, and lonely. I don’t feel much besides this.   
I hear the footsteps. They’re coming. I’m in the back room, laying on the ice cold concrete floor. I’m naked. I’m always naked. I’m so cold that sometimes it’s almost a relief when they lay on me to begin the assault. At least they’re warm.   
The door flies open and slams against the opposite wall, and there they are. Their grins tell me all I need to know. They descend upon me, grabbing me by the waist and wasting no time. I’m less cold now, but more scared. The pain of cold is replaced by the pain of rape.   
The rhino starts with my pussy. He pushes right into me and I whimper, trying to feel nothing but the pain. I must keep the emotion inside. Pain means nothing if I can smother the emotion.   
That’s what I tell myself every time. It’s always a lie.   
Old rips become new rips as he thrusts, each one rougher than the last. Then the pig grabs my face and sticks his own cock into my mouth. Their dicks are too calloused for my teeth to do any damage.   
This is a familiar feeling. The pain of being stretched and ripped from one end, and choked on the other end. I try to gasp- an instinct from the rough assault- but the cock in my mouth keeps me from taking even the barest breath. I feel panic rising in my throat, and I think I may burst. I try to fight it- it’s always worse when it happens- but I can’t. I burst, and my two attackers groan in pain and drop me. The pig grabs my head and slams it against a metal cabinet. The stars that replace my eyesight distracts me, and my burst dissipates. Now is the really bad part.   
They grab whips and paddles, and they begin beating me. The blows are indiscriminate. They hit me wherever they can, careless but strong. Unbearable. Pain rings through every part of my body, and I try to scream, but my throat can’t conjure up the sound.   
Leonardo rips his hand from mine and I pull myself out of the memory, glancing at him. He looks practically traumatized, his eyes overflowing with tears.   
“I’m sorry.” I say quietly, ducking my head to avoid his gaze.   
“No, I’m sorry.” He tells me. I still don’t look at him, but my ears perk up. “I’m sorry you had to… to go through that. I can understand why you would repress it.” Leonardo takes a deep breath and I feel the couch shift as he stands. “I’m going to… go… meditate.” He says, and I watch his feet hurry out of the room.   
I lean back against the couch and sigh, swiping away a few of my own tears. Dear god, I’m a lost cause.  
I stand up, relishing the feeling of my legs shaking from the effort. The physical effects of the abuse I suffered is somehow a comfort. Like I’m a little less crazy than my mind makes me out to be.   
I walk out of the room slowly, glancing side to side to make sure no one was here. I had fallen into my abuse mindset, and my hands shook at the thought of running into any of the turtles. They were so big, so strong… they were just like the pig and rhino. It was only a matter of time until they decided I was only good for one thing…   
I try to shake myself out of the mental spiral and head for the room where my backpack was. Donatello’s room. I hoped he wasn’t in there, and I could swipe my cigarettes in peace.   
I peeked into the room and saw that it was empty. Quickly, I darted for my backpack and grab the pack and lighter. I dart out just as quickly and head towards an empty tunnel not far from the home. I’m surprised I remember how to get there. I was in a panicked state of mind the last time I ran down this way.   
I reach the edge of the tunnel and lean against the wall, sliding down to a sitting position and lighting up. I take a long drag and let it out slowly. Much better.   
I stare down the dark nothingness of the tunnel ahead of me. Could I run? I didn’t belong here. Lord knew I didn’t belong anywhere.   
“WhooOOO!” A loud whoop fills the tunnel, and as soon as I turn my head to find the sound, a blur of orange and green rushes past me. My hair catches the breeze, and my eyes follow the blur down the tunnel. It was Mikey. I guess he skateboards, then.   
I shrug it off and continue to smoke, and a few minutes later he comes flying back. Man, he can go fast on that thing.   
When he sees me, he tries to slow down so suddenly he almost flips over and biffs it. He catches himself, though, and stands in front of me, smile triumphant.   
“Yo, Angelcakes, did you see that?!” He asks excitedly. I wince at the use of the nickname, and he notices. “Wait, sorry, uh… for whatever I said.” He pauses. “Do you uh, not like skateboards?”   
The innocence written all over his face and the sweet worry exuding from him sends me suddenly in a fit of laughter. I drop the cigarette and double over, laughing and coughing.   
Mikey just stands there for a minute while I let it out. It’s the first time I’ve felt such a strong positive emotion in a long time. Eventually I gain control of myself and slowly straighten to face him.   
“No, I don’t have a problem with skateboards.” I tell him in between leftover chuckles.   
“What did I say, then?” He asks. Still worried.   
“Just the nickname.” I pray that he doesn’t ask for clarification. He doesn’t.   
“Oh. Okay, yeah, that, uh, totally makes sense.” He grins sheepishly at me. “Actually, I don’t think I ever caught your name.” His cheeks light up with red- it creates an interesting color with his green complexion.   
That gives me pause. Right. My name.


	10. Bambi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ayyyyyyy Merry christmas I'm stoned and eating christmas candy I got today okay hope you had a good christmas, enjoy the chaper peace and love over and out

I look down at my hands. Yes, this person is me. But… who am I? I don’t remember too much from before I was taken. Maybe I was too young, or maybe my brain had to make room for all the trauma that got shoved into my head in the subsequent years. But I haven’t thought about my name in… well, probably in years.  
“So… can I know it?” Mikey’s question pulls me out of my thoughts. I try to dig around my mind, looking for anything that might remind me of my own name. Ha. I don’t even know my own name.  
“Yeah, uh…” I trail off, trying to decide whether to explain the, frankly, ridiculous notion that I don’t know my own name, or to just lie and make a name up.  
“You don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable with it.” Mikey mumbles, and his aura darkens. Disappointment.  
“No, it’s not that.” I assure him. “It’s just… complicated.”  
“Complicated?”  
“I can’t remember.” I blurt out without thinking. “I can’t remember it.”  
Mikey’s eyes widen, and I avoid eye contact, ashamed. How could I forget something like that? Was I really that out of touch with my own identity?  
“Oh.” Mikey finally says. “Well… we can always make one up.”  
“You think?” I ask, still looking at the floor.  
“Totally! Now let’s see…” He takes a step back and raises his hands, creating a box around my face with his fingers. “Who do you look like? A Clara? No… what about a Tiffany?” No, no way…” I can see the tip of Mikey’s tongue as he scrutinizes me; somehow, though, I don’t feel anxious like I normally would if someone was staring at me this long. I feel safe around this mutant turtle man.  
I look down at myself. I have old, dingy clothes that don’t quite fit me. I have a skeleton body. My eyes are practically sunken into my head, and my brown hair is so thin from all the stress and abuse that there are bald spots.  
“I look like a walking corpse.” I mutter, examining my hands again.  
“No way. You look way prettier than a corpse.” I glance up and smirk at Mikey. “No, you look like… honestly, you look like Bambi. From the movie?” Mikey gives me that stupid lopsided grin, like he’s joking, but I play around with the name in my head. Bambi. Bambi. Yeah, that might actually work.  
“I… I kind of like it.” I admit.  
“Really? You mean I got something right?” Mikey cheers and pumps his fist into the air. “I can’t wait to tell Leo!”  
“Got something to prove?” I ask, my tone bordering on teasing.  
“Hell yeah I do! He always thinks he knows everything. Well, did HE come up with a fantastic lady’s new name? I don’t think so!” He’s so excited; it’s infectious. I find myself smiling right along with him.  
“It kind of works, I guess. Bambi was small, and skinny, and she came from trauma…” I pause. “Wait, was Bambi a girl or a boy deer?”  
That stops Mikey as well, and he stares up at the ceiling for a moment. “I have no idea.”  
“Well,” I shrug. “Maybe I like having such an androgynous name. I’ll be like… a mystery. Who’s Bambi? Girl? Boy? Deer? No one knows.” I grin, finding a kind of peace in this new name. I liked it.  
“That’s awesome.” Mikey says as he places a foot on his skateboard and I scoop down to retrieve and relight my cigarette. I take a drag as Mikey slowly rolls around the tunnel, practicing turns.  
“So, anyway, Bambi… did you see how fast I was going?” He looks at me, excited and anxious.  
“Mikey… it was friggin awesome!” I adopt his slight surfer accent and, pulled from some old instinct, I go in for a high five. Mikey beams at me and raises his arm. His arm comes towards me, and suddenly I’m not in the tunnel anymore. Mikey isn’t Mikey, and the hand coming towards me is just a part of another beating at the hands of the mutants that tortured me.  
Suddenly I come to on the floor of the tunnel, and Mikey is crouching over me. The worry he is feeling fills up the room, and I look around. I don’t know what had happened.  
“Are you okay?” He whispers, fearful that he had done something wrong.  
“Yeah…” I place a hand to my head. “It was a flashback.”  
“Of what? Did I remind you of…” The worry in the air slowly morphs into shame.  
“No, no, it didn’t have anything to do with you.” I assure him. “I shouldn’t have gone in for a high five, I don’t think. The way your hand came towards me… just… brought me back to…” I try to shake off the memory. “God, I’m so fucked up.”  
Mikey offers a hand to me, slowly this time. “Do you want to go back to the lair?” He asks me gently.  
I nod silently, taking his hand and letting him pull me up to my feet. He takes the lead, and I whisper to him, “Thank you.”  
He looks back at me. “For what?” He asks, bewildered.  
“Just… for being you.” I walk forward and take his hand. He smiles down at me and we walk back to the lair together.


	11. Drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all, here's a new chapter. Anyway comment if you love bacon and give kudos if you're a vegan, peace and love over and out

I’m back on the couch. It had been a few hours since the tunnel incident with Mikey, and I was still going over my new name in my head. Bambi. My name is Bambi. ‘Hi, nice to meet you, the name’s Bambi.’   
I hear two pairs of footsteps hurry into the room, and I tense up. It was Donnie and Leo, covered in ninja and, in Donnie’s case, tech gear.   
“We’re going out to patrol.” Donnie tells me. Leonardo refuses to make eye contact with me. I knew it was a mistake to let him inside my head. I sigh and nod at Donnie. I hear two more footsteps coming towards us. The two auras were extremely familiar in two drastically different ways. Despite the TV being off, I glue my eyes to the black screen, hoping to blend into the furniture. I still wasn’t over the fear of Raphael that had nestled itself deep within my chest. Whenever I felt that aura hit me, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Like I was just a few seconds away from being back in that room, from reliving it all over again.   
“We ready?” Raphael’s gruff voice booms through the room almost like his aura coats the room in red. Even when he wasn’t mad about something specifically, his aura always glowed with a rage bubbling just under the surface.   
“Yes. Donnie and I will take west, and you and Mikey will take east.” Leonardo says, his voice much more confident than the hesitant wavering of his aura. He could really play the part.   
“Okay.” Raphael says. I hear slow footsteps, and everyone stops again. I keep my eyes on the screen.   
“Does she know it’s not on?” I hear Raphael whisper to someone. I tense up but keep my eyes on the black screen. I just wanted to blend in. I just wanted them to go.   
“None of your business, dude.” Mikey quips, and I find myself relaxing just a little.   
“Fine, defend the crazy bitch.” Raphael grumbles, and then, finally, all four pairs of feet head for the door. I don’t take my eyes away from the screen until there isn’t even a scent of their auras left.   
I sigh in relief and melt into the couch. I bring my hands up into my eyesight and stare at them.   
I needed to figure this out. If I didn’t, I would be stuck as the crazy bitch for the rest of my crazy life. Tears begin to form in my eyes- damnit, this crying thing is more inconvenient than I thought- and I push myself off the couch. I needed another cigarette.   
I walked carelessly into Donnie’s room, grabbing my cigarettes and walking out towards the tunnel. As I walked past the other rooms, a familiar scent caught me, and I stopped at a slightly cracked door.   
Confident in the knowledge that all four of the turtles were gone, I push the door open and the smell intensifies.   
Liquor.   
I walk into the room and am greeted by several pieces of workout equipment. I gulp. This was Raphael’s room.   
But even my fear of him wasn’t enough to stop my search to quiet my mind. I looked around, in nooks and crannies and drawers, only to find his stash in the least original hiding place one could think of- under the bed.   
There were several choices, so I went with the one I was most familiar with. Whiskey. The pig and rhino drank it a lot. I had taken enough swigs of it when they left it in the room that I knew how powerful of an escape alcohol could be.   
I slipped out the door and left it cracked exactly as it had been, and then head for the tunnel. I could barely keep myself from cracking open the half-drank bottle right there in the hallway. But I didn’t want them to smell it in the hallway. I at least had to make it to the sewer tunnels. There was enough of a smell there to mask just about anything.   
I walked a little farther down this time. I didn’t want any of them catching me right at the edge. I planned to drink as much as I could and put the bottle back before they returned.   
Some part of my mind knew how bad of an idea this was, but then again, my mind was pretty broken, so why the hell should I listen to it?   
So I sat down in the tunnel, uncapped the bottle, and had a drink.   
It burned the way whiskey is supposed to burn, and I had to bite back a moan. This is the taste of the least terrible memories I ever had back at that place. Being drunk dulled the pain, both physical and emotional. It was the best I could hope for at that dark place. This was the thing I looked forward to most in my life there. A chance to forget.   
Before I knew it, I had taken several swigs, and the world began to go hazy. But that didn’t stop me. I took swig after swig. Everything got duller. Nothing mattered as much. Cigarettes felt so much better. Why isn’t everyone drunk all the time?   
Had hours passed, or minutes? I had completely lost track of time in this consistently dark tunnel, alcohol flooding my veins and turning my brain to mush. That small, sober part of my brain tried to tell drunk Bambi that she needed to get that whiskey back where she found it, but drunk Bambi isn’t a very good listener. Drunk Bambi didn’t have a care in the world.   
Until, at least, I heard the pounding footsteps coming down the hallway next to the tunnel.   
Shit.   
I look over at the bottle to see how much I had drunk. There were just a few sips left. I had drunk almost half the bottle.   
Too plastered to care, I sucked down the last bitter sips and, like an idiot, threw the glass bottle against the opposite wall of the tunnel. Then I began to run.   
I overestimated how much balance I would be able to retain while drunk. Turns out, I had almost none. I stumbled through the tunnels, again not sure of how far I had gone or how long I had been going for. My messy mind could only comprehend one thing- if they caught me, there would be punishment. I couldn’t comprehend the idea that they wouldn’t hurt me. Of course they would. Especially Red. He would beat me to a pulp for drinking all his alcohol. He would probably beat me worse than the pig and the rhino. Even when I drank their alcohol and they noticed, I had never finished a bottle. What the hell happened to my self-preservation?   
I kept pushing myself until I crumpled into a wall, too drunk to continue. Well, if this is how it ends, at least I’ll be able to go out in a haze of booze, plastered as fuck.


	12. Trap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all. Here's another chapter. Not a whole lot of interest in this fic, it seems like, so I'll probably just keep posting chapters till I run out of material. Peace and love over and out

Just like last time, I felt the aura before I heard the footsteps. But they were still fairly close together.  
“So her name is Bambi now?” It was him. Red. Raphael. The one who would tear me limb from limb. First I stabbed him, then he almost got forced out of his own dojo because of me, and now I’ve drunk an entire bottle of his liquor. He was going to kill me.  
“You know, she likes it, and that’s all that matters.” I hear Mikey now. At least he would be with me when I died. I didn’t expect him to be able to hold back the red behemoth, but he could at least hold my hand while I took my last few breaths. I hoped alcohol would make death less painful.  
“There she is.” I hear Raphael say, and I shrink in on myself, curled into a ball between the wall and the floor. I braced myself for the first punch.  
“Bambi? Hey, Bambi, c’mon, we have to go home.” Mikey’s voice was so close now. How did he do that? I still wouldn’t uncurl myself, though. I was afraid the light of the lair would sober me up. I didn’t want to be sober for this.  
“I dunno if she’ll be able to walk on her own. I had almost half a bottle of that whiskey left. Looks like she drank the rest of it. She’s gotta be out of her mind.”  
“How much alcohol do you have in your room, Raph?”  
“Enough.”  
“Hm.” Mikey turns back to me. “Hey, c’mon Bambi, wake up. You’re gonna be okay.”  
“Not th-ere… I stumble through the words. “Just get done it… get done… here.” I feel myself begin to shiver, partly from the cold and partly from the fear.  
“Get what done? C’mon, Bambi, we gotta go.” I feel Mikey’s arms curl around me, and I squirm away from his arms, letting out a high pitched “No!” That bounced around the tunnel.  
“Bambi, what’s the problem?” Mikey asks, his tone gentle but worried.  
“I wan-ba… I wanna be drunk… f-fer the… pushinment…” I forced the words out to the best of my abilities, although even my drunk ass could tell that I completely botched the word ‘punishment’. I couldn’t get it to come out right.  
“Punishment? Bambi, you’re not in trouble. It’s all gonna be okay.” Mikey tries to comfort me, his hand settling on my back and rubbing it in small circles.  
“N-n…” I tried to push myself up, despite the room spinning around me. “R-Red… he’ll kill me…” I whispered to him. Or at least, what I thought was whispering. It’s a mystery to me how loud it was.  
Through my double vision, I see Mikey look away from me and up at Raphael. I try to focus my vision on either of them, and fail spectacularly. “I wanna be… drunk… fer wh-en… I die…” I try to explain it to Mikey. The way that my drunk brain is processing my feelings.  
“You’re not going to die.” Mikey sounds firm.  
“I don’ wanna be sober… for when…” I don’t finish the sentence. I can’t find the words.  
There is a long stretch of silence- or maybe it wasn’t very long, I couldn’t tell- before I hear a long, exasperated sigh. Here it comes.  
I can feel the aura coming closer. I can’t make out the emotions- just the general haze of red. Mikey’s aura moves away, and now I’m vulnerable to Raphael’s fury. My hands shake wildly, trying to figure out which part of my body to shield from the blows. I decide on my face.  
“Bambi, you gotta chill out. Look, I’m not gonna hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt you that first time. I didn’t know. But you don’t gotta worry about me, kay? So chill the fuck out.”  
Caught by a sudden rush of drunk overconfidence, I pull my head out of my cocoon and focus on his face- well one of them, whether I picked the right one doesn’t really matter- and speak what’s going through my head.  
“I’s a trap!” I slur, my arms shaking from the effort of holding my upper body straight. When I straighten, I see how close he is to me. I lose my breath for a minute.  
“What? No, it’s not.” Raphael says, confused, looking up at Mikey for answers.  
“Yer gonna… you drank, I drank the whiskry. You’re gon-na kill me for that, I’s only fair…” My head didn’t really know what my mouth was saying. I just let it flow. I was about to pass out anyway. What did it matter? “B-but joke’s on you, cuz you can’t kills me if I, if I do it first.” I lean my head down to retch, but nothing comes out. I pull my head back up. “Na na na na boo boo…” And that’s all my arms can take. I let my head fall back onto the cement and stare up at one of his faces, waiting for him to strike.  
He stares at me for a few seconds, and then shakes his head and stands up. Mikey crouches back down and picks me up. This time I don’t have the energy to fight him.  
“I’m gonna have to talk to her once she’s sober, won’t I?” I hear Raphael say as my eyes fall closed.  
“Yeah, I think so.” Comes Mikey’s response. That’s all I hear before I slip into drunk-sleep.


	13. Hungover

Groggy. So, so groggy. My head ached and my body was sore. It was a familiar feeling, yet it was very unfamiliar. I wasn’t in physical pain. This was new. I don’t remember a time I wasn’t beaten for drinking.   
I groaned and tried to push myself up. As my head left the pillow, it all began coming back to me.   
I immediately buried my head in the pillow again. I had fucked up. I didn’t want to deal with it.   
“Finally awake, huh?” I heard Donatello’s voice through the pillow shoved in my face.   
“No.” I mutter, my voice just barely audible.   
“Yeah, you are.” I hear his chair wheel over to me, and I lazily pick my head up to meet his eye. He didn’t look as disapproving as I had feared.   
“No I’m not. I’m gonna be asleep forever.” I turn away from him.   
“Why?”   
“Because I don’t want to deal with it.” I groan. “Don’t make me.”   
“Hey, talk to Mikey on that one. I’m not in charge of that.” Donnie chuckles and wheels away from me again.   
I lay there silently for a few more minutes, going over my many mistakes in my head and the likely repercussions of them. I curled up and pulled the blanket over my self, holding it tightly to my body.   
After a while, I heard the door open. It was Mikey. He walked up to me, but I kept my eyes focused on the wall in front of me. I didn’t want to own up to my actions; especially not to him.   
“Hey.” He says, grabbing a chair and sitting down next to my bed. I don’t reply, but curl up tighter into myself- like a thin blanket could protect me from his disappointment.   
His aura was negative- not as negative as Raphael, but still much less cheery than usual. The exact feeling was blurry, though. I couldn’t tell if he was upset, disappointed, angry, or nervous.   
“How are you feeling?” He asks after a few minutes of silence. I give him a small shrug, my eyes still focused on the speckled wall in front of me.   
“I’m not mad at you, Bambi. No one here is mad at you.” Mikey says.   
“Not even Raphael?” I ask in a soft voice.   
“Not even Raphael.”   
“I don’t believe you.” I whisper, just barely loud enough to be heard.   
“Yeah, he wants to talk to you about that.”   
I shake my head, tensing up. I didn’t want to face him. I’d rather just continue avoiding him and pretending he doesn’t exist.   
“C’mon, Bambi.” Mikey sounds a little frustrated, and his aura reflects the tone. “He’s not gonna hurt you. I’ll be there, okay? If he tries to lay a hand on you, I’ll kick him into next week.” His aura shifts from frustrated to hopeful, and tears prick my eyes at the thought of disappointing him. I sigh and push myself up, trying to ignore my pounding head.   
“I’m sorry.” I still avoid looking him in the eye, but I do turn to face him.   
“That’s okay.” His hand reaches over and gently grasps my shoulder. I reach over and rest my hand on top of his. I tried to think calm thoughts, to make him feel better. “I just want you not to be scared of any of us.”   
I snort. “That’s all I am.” I say, my voice low and scratchy but amused. “I’m just a flesh bag full of anxiety and shame.”   
“You’re a cute one, though-“ Mikey stops, as if realizing what he was saying. His aura floods with embarrassment to match the red tint rushing to his face. “Uh, anyway, Raph’s in the dojo. Let’s go talk to him.”   
I groan again. “Okay, fine. I’ll do it, but I’m not happy about it.”   
Mikey gives me a reassuring smile and takes my hand, gently leading me off of the bed and out the door.   
The farther we walk through the hall and towards the dojo, the more nervous I got. I tried to tug my hand away from Mikey’s, embarrassed that he’s feeling my anxiety.   
But Mikey doesn’t let go. He just gives me another one of those sweet smiles. “It’s okay. You’re gonna be fine, I’m right here.”   
“Okay.” I whisper, trying to smile back at him.   
All too soon we’re at the dojo, and I can feel Raphael’s aura. I can hear the pounding of fists attacking a punching bag. I feel my heart immediately speed up. I try to keep myself present, rather than letting his aura take me back to… that place. That room.   
“You ready?” Mikey gives my hand a squeeze, trying to hide the pain on his face. I tried to tug my hand away again, but he wouldn’t let me. He wanted to feel what I was feeling. He wanted to make sure I was okay.   
“No, but we’re already here, so I might as well.” I mutter, rolling my shoulders and rubbing my aching head with my free hand. I hoped Raphael wouldn’t yell too much.   
Mikey nods and opens the door, leading me inside. Immediately, the pounding stops.  
I stare at the ground, watching every step of his feet as he walks up to me. Each step makes my heart pound faster, and Mikey, rather than embarrassing me by saying anything, just squeezes my hand. I take a deep breath and try to keep myself present in this room. I am safe here; no one will hurt me here.   
“It can’t just be that incident in the hallway.” Raphael begins, standing right in front of me. I keep my eyes glued to his legs. “So what’s up with ya? What’s your problem with me?”


	14. Understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all it's your favorite stoner here with a new chapter. This is a long one, and it's pretty much the last of the material I already have written. I'm gonna try to write more of the story, but no promises. So if you like the story, comment! The only reason i'm even gonna try to keep writing is yesterday, CarolineTheRebel left a whole bunch of comments on all my chapters and I was so excited and it was beautiful. So shoutout for that. All right I think that's it peace and love over and out

“It can’t just be that incident in the hallway.” Raphael begins, standing right in front of me. I keep my eyes glued to his legs. “So what’s up with ya? What’s your problem with me?”   
I pause, racking my brain for the right words. After coming up short, I sigh and pull my hand away from Mikey’s. This time Mikey lets me, and I present that hand to Raphael, still avoiding his eyes.   
Gently, Raphael takes my hand, and almost immediately his entire body begins to tremble. It’s obvious that his body isn’t used to the feeling of fear. I almost chuckle.   
I breathe deeply to try to quell the rush of emotions flowing from my hand to his. I just need him to know what exactly I’m feeling- I’m not looking to hurt him.   
Raphael’s breath slowly falls in sync with mine, ragged and a little too fast. We stand like that for a few minutes, my eyes down towards the floor and his body trembling, our minds connected through our connected flesh.   
Eventually I pull my hand away and cross my arms, waiting for his reaction.   
“…Why?” Raphael’s voice was shaky and ragged, and above all confused.   
“You…” I sigh, trying to find away to explain it to him without comparing him to the pig and rhino.   
“Look at me.” He says. His tone falls somewhere between an order and a request.   
I squeeze my eyes shut for a few seconds, open them back up, and crane my neck to meet his eyes. The amber, almost yellow hue of his eyes stands out against the blood red bandana covering almost half of his face.   
His eyes were gentle.   
“Your aura… reminds me of a bad time.” I tell him, hunching my shoulders. I hope against logic that he’ll let me leave it at that.   
“What bad time?” His eyes bore into my own, almost begging me for the truth. His aura wasn’t angry, for once- it was fearful. HE was frightened of ME.   
“I think you know what bad time I’m talking about.” I mutter, looking away from him again. I just couldn’t keep up the eye contact.   
“How do… how do I remind you of it?” His voice was practically a whisper.   
“Your aura feels… really… really similar to…” I take a deep breath and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to keep the tears inside. “Them.”   
There was a long silence after that. I didn’t want to look up to see what his expression was. But while I could avert my eyes, I couldn’t shut out his aura. The way he was feeling clashed messily with his core aura. Fear and shame didn’t combine well with his confident, assured, and temperamental personality.   
“I-It’s not that you’re like them, I don’t think.” I say when I’m unable to take the silence anymore. “It’s that… there are some core personality traits that are very… yeah.” I sigh. “Confident, impulsive, angry, fight-over-flight… Those are core aspects of your personality- your aura. They shared a lot of those traits.”   
“I’m like them?” His voice is wobbly, and I glance over at Mikey. His eyes were wide, expression amazed. It was obvious he had never seen his brother like this before.   
“No, I said you weren’t like them… you just share a lot of traits.”   
“I remind you of them?”   
“Well… yes.”   
“I make you feel like they did?” He sounded like he was about to cry. I finally looked up, and there were tears shining in his eyes, threatening to fall. I didn’t know mutant turtles could cry.   
“Yes.” I whisper, for once a bit debilitated from the waves of pain rolling off Raphael’s form. Usually I was the saddest person in the room. “But you don’t… you don’t do what they did. That’s what’s important.” I pause. “Right?”   
“You tell me.” Raphael turned away from me then, his fists clenched, his shell facing me.   
“It is.” I try to assure him, for once stepping towards him rather than away. “I’m sorry. I can’t help how I feel. But I’ll… I’ll try to get past it. I know you won’t hurt me.” I chuckle, but there’s no humor in the sound. “I do now. Or at least, I do when I’m sober.”   
“I always thought I might be better suited as a villain.” He mutters, still facing squarely away from me.   
“The fact that you’re so upset about that revelation kind of proves that you’re not, doesn’t it?” I ask, taking another hesitant step towards him.   
“What do you mean?” He turns and glances over his shoulder at me. The tears had finally fallen down his cheeks. That must be why he turned away.   
“What I mean is, the pig and rhino-“   
“Bebop and Rocksteady.” Mikey interjects.   
“Yeah, I’d rather not think of them as people with names.” I say brusquely before continuing. “They liked hurting me. They liked making me fear them. They liked making me miserable. It gave them joy.” I’m close enough now to reach forward and touch his arm, but I refrain from it. “Does scaring me bring you joy?”   
“No.” His response is immediate. “It sucks.”   
“Then, no offense Raphael, but you’d be a terrible villain.” I tell him, and he finally turns all the way around to face me again. God, he’s so big. They’re all so big. I feel my heart begin to race again, but I ignore the physical reaction and try to focus on the tears in his eyes and the remorse coating his aura.   
“You think?” He quickly swipes the tears away from his eyes and tries to harden his expression.   
“I know.” I present my hand to him again, and he gives me a nervous look but gives his hand to me. I close my eyes and try to see past all of the other junk- emotions- creating obstacles between my ability and his mind.   
There is fear there. Not on the surface, not in the emotions he’s feeling, but buried deep inside. Fear and shame. He masks it with bravado and anger. He is truly confident in his abilities, though. He knows how good he is at what he does. But he’s ashamed of his temper, and afraid of what he might do to others in a fit of rage. Afraid of how the world would react to him.   
Angry about his predicament. Angry that he’s a mutant. Angry that he can never have a normal life.   
Love. Deep, burning, familial love, but restrained. He didn’t want to seem like he cared. He didn’t want to seem vulnerable. Above all, Raphael valued strength.   
That was my mistake. He didn’t value his strength over others, but rather his strength to protect the ones he loves and even strangers on the street. He wanted to be strong in the face of the cruel world, for his family. For everyone.   
He was.   
I open my eyes and gently tug my hand away. He opens his eyes, having closed them when I did.   
“What… what were you trying to show me?” He asks, a thin layer of panic in his voice.   
“I wasn’t.” I tell him, giving him a small smile. “It was something I wanted you to show me.”   
“Well… did I?” he asks nervously.   
“You did.” I smile a little more broadly. “Don’t worry about me- I know who you are now. I don’t have anything to worry about.”   
With that, I turn and walk out of the dojo. Mikey hurries along behind me, gently closing the door when we’re both in the hallway.   
“So, uh… what did you do?” He asks me, cocking his head to the side.   
“I can’t always rely on my ability to be perfect.” I tell him, leaning against the wall and rubbing my head- it still hurt a bit. Damn hangover. “Touching someone gives me a more direct connection to them. Raphael, from what I felt without touching him, did seem a lot like… them. I wanted to get deeper. I couldn’t sense it before, but when I touched him…” I sigh. “He’s good. He’s a good person.”   
“Well, I coulda told you that.” Mikey says, giving me that lopsided grin.   
“I know.” I present my hand to him, and he takes it. “Will you teach me how to skateboard?”   
Mikey’s grin gets bigger than I would have thought was possible.


	15. Fireworks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey what up y'all it's your favorite stoner back with a new chapter. It's a little short, but it's pretty cute. Comment if you want me to keep writing! Kay peace and love over and out

I can feel myself losing my balance and going down for perhaps the twentieth time today. Skateboarding is a lot harder than I thought it was.   
“How do you go so fast?” I grumble, picking myself up. Thankfully, Mikey had loaned me some knee and elbow pads.   
“Years of practice. You’ve only been doing this for twenty minutes.” Mikey says, grinning matter-of-factly.   
“It’s only been twenty minutes?” I groan, leaning against the wall of the tunnel we were in. I was already out of breath.   
“Damn, Bambi, you need to lay off the smokes.” He says, leaning on the wall next to me. I weakly push his chest, but he doesn’t move an inch.   
“… Shut up.” I say when I’ve finally caught my breath. “I haven’t been doing a lot of cardio in the last couple of years.”   
After that quip, Mikey goes quiet. After a few seconds, I glance over at him. He wasn’t usually silent for so long.   
“You okay?” I ask him.   
“Yeah. Just… just thinking.” Mikey avoids my gaze and stares up at the rounded, concrete ceiling of the tunnel.   
“You? Thinking?” I say, trying to cheer him up. I take his hand and let my own warm feelings course through him. He finally glances at me and smirks.   
“You think you can just grab my hand whenever I’m sad and it’ll fix everything?” There’s a note of teasing in his voice and his aura, despite is quip, lightens.   
“A little bit, yeah.” I chuckle and release him. “Fine, if you want to be a Grumpy Gus, I won’t stop you.”   
“You’re a Grumpy Gus all the time.” He raises an eyebrow at me.   
“Fair enough.”   
Mikey laughs, the sound bouncing off the tunnels. He takes the skateboard from me and drops it to the ground, putting a foot on it and pushing himself down the tunnel. It’s just a few seconds before I can’t even make him out, he’s so fast.   
I chuckle and shake my head. Even though he was barely out of sight and had only been gone a few seconds, I missed him.   
Mikey was back before long, skating past me and skidding to a stop, glancing over at me with a grin.   
“Showing off?” I ask, jogging over to him. He relinquishes the skateboard and I resume practicing balance.   
“You…” Mikey says quietly, and I turn to look at him, but he doesn’t finish the sentence. His aura is full of nervousness, and it saturates the room. I step off the board and meet his eyes, silently urging him to continue.   
“You… uh…” Mikey trips over his words.   
“I what?” I grin at him. What did he have to be nervous about?   
“Well… what do you…. How, uh…” Mikey chuckles in embarrassment. “I have no idea how to say this.”   
I take a few steps closer and present my hand. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”   
Mikey eyes me warily for a few seconds, and then gently places his large green hand in mine. I close my eyes and let his emotions flood into me.   
They’re emotions I’m not really familiar with. It takes a few seconds to connect the feelings with the names. Joy. Infatuation? Love? I couldn’t quite tell the difference. A feeling of desire; familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. I had felt this before, but my experience of desire was coated with mocking, sadism, and lust. This was different. There was a kind of innocence woven through the emotion. There was a lot of fear, a lot of hesitance.   
I couldn’t understand exactly what he was feeling, but I knew that I felt the same way.   
I slowly pulled my hand away. He refused to meet my eyes, no matter how much I tried to get him to look at me.   
“I see.” I say quietly, taking another step closer.   
“What? Because I don’t even really know what I’m feeling.” Mikey admits. “Or if it’s even okay.”   
“There’s no feeling that isn’t okay.” I take one more step closer, and we’re almost chest-to-chest.   
“Yeah, but I mean, for you… I don’t think I’m allowed to feel this way about you. I mean, you should be healing, and growing, and…”   
“And what?” I prod him.   
“And… I don’t know, I just… this isn’t what you need. It’ll just make things harder for you.”   
“You don’t know that.” I take his chin in my hand and guide his face down to look at me. “Maybe it’ll make things easier. Better.”   
“How?” He whispers.   
“Because maybe I feel the same way.” I answer, giving him a small smile.   
Mikey is silent for a few seconds, just taking in what I said and searching my eyes. I wasn’t sure what he was looking for.   
Finally, slowly enough that I could have pulled away if I wanted to, he leans down and gently presses his lips against mine.   
Fireworks.


	16. Slut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> S'up nerds, it's your favorite stoner here. This chapter is a lot of angst. Sorry, I just love angst! Anyway, I'm hoping to get back into writing this story cuz I kind of have some plot ideas, so comment if you're interested in more. Anyway, hope you like it, peace and love over and out

I took a small step closer, as if to see those beautiful fireworks up close, when Mikey suddenly pulls away from me, taking several steps back.   
“I’m sorry.” His aura is filled with shame.   
“What? No, you have nothing to be sorry for.” I say. I try to reach for his hand, but he shies away.   
“No, I shouldn’t have done that.” Mikey turns away from me, placing his hands on his head. “Damnit, Donnie told me not to… he warned me…”   
“Warned you about what?” I ask, suddenly suspicious. Donatello knew far more about me than I’m comfortable with.   
“You know… the… the shit you went through and… and the scars… and…” Mikey shakes his head.   
My stomach did a flip. I place a hand to my chest, as if to hide the scars from him. But it’s too late. He already knows.   
Slut. Whore. Mutant-fucker. Revolting words were written across my midsection, like tattoos. The monsters back at that lab cut words into my skin, deep enough to leave me with the scrawls for life. A permanent reminder of what I had become.   
Of course. How could I have been so stupid?   
Mikey would never want a whore.   
Before I could say another word, He turned and ran past me, putting a foot on his board and pushing off back towards the lair.   
I sigh and let my shoulders slump. What had I been thinking? When had I let myself become so attached to this… this mutant. He was cut from the same cloth the monsters of my past had been. Was this some kind of Stockholm syndrome bullshit my crazy mind had cooked up? Was I falling for him because so much like… them?   
No, I told myself. Mikey is different. He’s sweet, he’s brave, he’s funny… He deserves better than me.   
I sigh, and begin to head back home myself. At least Mikey hadn’t actually seen them. At least no one but Donnie has actually seen what happened to me.   
I walked slowly into the lair, keeping a close eye on auras that might indicate someone close. Part of me wanted to find Mikey, and another part of me wanted to hide from him forever.   
As I continued walking through the hall, I pick up all four auras in Donnie’s lab. Against my better judgment, I picked up my pace headed over there. Of course, nothing that required them all to be in Donatello’s lab at the same time could be good, but I wanted to know what was going on.   
The door was shut, but I could feel the intensity of all four auras through the door. I placed a hand on the door, trying to sort through the emotions. There was disgust, fear, anger, and a lot of pity.   
“… Can’t believe…” A voice floated through the door, and I perked my ears up to hear more.   
“… Can’t believe she’s alive…”   
“…How could someone…”   
“…No wonder she…”   
Unable to contain my terrified curiosity any longer, I grabbed the handle of the door and threw it aside, stepping into the room.   
All four of them were there, Donnie sitting in his lab chair and the rest of them standing. They all faced the huge monitors. On one of the bigger screens, a security camera clip was playing.   
No.   
My heart lurched straight up into my throat as the turtled turned around to look at me, barely a second after I had opened the door. Donnie immediately clicked out of the video, but it was too late. I had already seen it.   
There I was, naked and vulnerable, while the monsters used me in vile, despicable ways. How long had this video been playing? How much had been seen?   
I suddenly felt like I was back in that room again. I felt like the turtles were staring right through my clothes. I was naked, I was vulnerable, I was tied up, helpless to stop what was happening. They knew. They knew what I was, and what had been done to me.   
They knew everything.   
I stumbled back, more than a little dizzy. No, this couldn’t be happening. I was just starting to get used to this place, get away from all those painful memories. I was just starting to feel… regular. Less broken, less used up. Less worthless.   
But that was a fantasy. I was broken. I was worthless. And now that they had seen it all, in it’s revolting, humiliating glory, that fantasy was shattered.   
I was a slut.   
I vaguely heard one of them calling my name- I couldn’t tell you which one- but I barely heard it. My head was filling up; I was drowning in panic. I stepped out of the room and into the hallway. I thought It was getting better, that maybe I was healing. But I wasn’t healing, I was stalling. Stalling until they knew the truth.   
My hand hit the rocky wall and I used it to make my way through the hallway. I could barely see, my head was spinning so bad. I tried to run from the turtles like they were the panic I was drowning in. If I can get away from them, I’ll be able to swim.   
A huge hand grabs my arm, and I feel my knees buckle under me. The floor came up on me before I could stop it. My free hand hit the ground and I was breathing fast, breathing like I hadn’t breathed in years. I was hanging from the grip of whichever turtle had their hand wrapped around my upper arm. It didn’t really matter which one. They had all seen the video. They had all seen me for who I truly was.


	17. What you Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yoooo, it's the comeback no one asked for. Welcome to chapter 17 of my classic masterpiece of literature, available only for free at Archive of Our Own dot com. Enjoy reading my garbage, peace and love over and out

When I woke up some indiscriminate amount of time later, lying in that same bed I had woken up quite a few times in by now, I knew something was wrong. I didn’t feel right- like I had an anxiety hangover. It hadn’t hit me yet what I had been so anxious about.  
I turned my head towards the sounds of movement and my eyes fixed on the tall purple-banded turtle working on a keyboard in front of some huge monitors, and it all comes back to me, like vomit rushing up my throat.  
I hear Donnie’s groan before mine even comes out of my mouth, and I close my eyes tight to cut off the flow of emotion. It comes just as often and suddenly as it always did, but it seemed easier to stop once it has started. I suppose practice makes perfect.  
I blink my eyes back open, feeling confident in having gotten my emotion under control, and stare up at the ceiling.  
Slut.  
The word had stopped being an insult in my mind several years ago. It’s what I was. I was a slut, a plaything, trying to survive as best I could. Slut was the closest word to what I was to describe myself in my mind, and the monsters didn’t exactly discourage such labeling.  
When I met the turtles, I didn’t doubt that I was still that slut from the lab. I was just ashamed of it. Of course I couldn’t deny the label, but I at least wanted them not to think of me that way. I should have known better. You can’t hide what you are forever.  
“Bambi.” Donnie’s quiet voice brings me back to the present, and I turn my head to make eye contact. I didn’t speak. I wasn’t sure there was anything to say.  
Donnie didn’t say anything either, for quite a few minutes. We just stared at each other wordlessly, until he finally broke the silence.  
“It doesn’t change anything.”  
He didn’t say anything more than that, but it was all I needed to hear. I nod slowly, finally breaking eye contact and looking down at my body. It was so used up and tarnished, I didn’t think anyone would find worth inside me again.  
“Thank you.” I say quietly, slowly pushing myself up to a sitting position. “Where are the others?”  
“Training.”  
“How long was I out?”  
“Not long. Maybe an hour and a half.”  
“Hm.” I grunted, lying back down and resuming my staring contest with the ceiling.  
“Splinter wants you to train with him when they’re done.”  
“Haven’t I been through enough today?” I grumble. I didn’t want to grudge up bad feelings for the sake of practice, and I certainly didn’t want to inflict them on whichever unlucky turtle Splinter would choose to help.  
“Things have been pretty crazy since you got here. Splinter just wants to get everyone on a consistent training schedule.” Donnie says, shrugging his massive shoulders. “Take it up with him.”  
I don’t answer him, but I do swing my legs over the side of the bed and stand. With Donnie sitting in his chair, we were about the same height. I stifled a chuckle. I stretch out my arms and lean against the bed. “When did training start?”  
“About an hour ago. They should be done soon.” Donnie answers.  
I make a noise of acknowledgement, imagining the look on Mikey’s face when he saw me. The pessimistic part of my brain says it’ll be a look of disgust, while the realistic part of my brain knows it’ll be pity. I don’t even bother to consider the optimistic angle.  
Donnie ends up being correct. The boys rush into the room all at once, which creates a momentary traffic jam at the door and another stifled laugh from me. Mikey is the first one through, and before we can even make eye contact he envelops me in his arms. My feet almost lift off the ground when his arms snake tightly around my waist.  
“I’m sorry.” He whispers to me, burying his face in my shoulder. My fingers just grasp the uneven carapace covering Mikey’s back. I try to think happy thoughts, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. I hadn’t expected the physical contact so quickly. I wasn’t prepared.  
“It’s okay.” I squeak. Rainbows, puppies, ukulele songs. Anything to create inner joy to spread to him, to replace the anxiety I know is flowing through our shard emotion.  
Finally, his arms loosen and my heels sink back to the floor, flat-footed once again. He catches my eye and it’s not quite pity I see, but something close. There’s too much affection in his eyes to consider it pity.  
The other two turtles, who were right behind Mikey but whose existence I hadn’t registered until this moment, clear their voices. I unwillingly take my eyes off of Mikey to focus on Leo and Raph.  
“I’m sorry.” Raph says quickly, beating Leo to the punch. Leo turns and glowers, as he had just been about to speak. Raph continues regardless. “I’m sorry for what I did, for how I treated you in the beginning. I didn’t know-“  
“I know you didn’t know.” I cut him off. “We don’t have to talk about it any more than that.”  
Raph pauses for a few seconds and then gives a curt nod. I hear Mikey’s relieved exhale in time with my own and I look down. We were still holding hands.  
“Splinter wants to train with you.” Leo says, his hands clasped in front of him.  
“Who’s the sucker who’s going along with me?” I ask, a little bit sarcastic.  
“No one. He wants to work with to you alone.” Leo says.  
I nod, letting go of Mikey’s hand and turning to the door. What I see in the doorframe just about stops my heart.  
Oh my God.  
“Give her up or the wall’s about to be painted with rat brains.” She says, voice rough as sandpaper, black hair chopped to her chin, holding a Colt Python 357 revolver at Splinter’s temple. The thickly tense air is abruptly cut by the sound of the gun clicking into place. “Now.”


	18. Sister

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey-ooo. It's your favorite stoner here who is reinvigorated by this story since she's added a new original character (it's not Karai- sorry andzhi) AND is finally done with the spring semester. I hope you like it, if you make it this far! Peace and love over and out

My sister.   
Not by blood, but by ability. We were like ying and yang, back at the lab. We were opposites. We were the same. Two sides of the same coin. For so long, it was always us. Me and her against the world.   
Before I could pull myself out of the shock, Leo was already on her, hands on the handles of his swords, ready to pull them out. He almost had them out of his sheath by the time it happened.   
A wail erupted from Leo’s mouth, and he fell to the floor, swords falling from his hands and clattering loudly on the ground. Though not as loud as the sounds Leo was making.   
“No!” I scream, lunging towards her, swerving around Leo, sprawled out on the floor. “No, sis, stop! Stop! STOP!” I tackle her, and she loses her grip on Leo’s body- and in the process the pain spreads to me. I howl in pain- she had chosen the feeling of burning this time. It always did do the trick, more than most other sensations did, in any case. It felt like fire was licking its way across my body from the inside out. It ends as suddenly as it began, and I collapse in exhaustion. I drag my tired eyes to hers, and we lock gazes. There was fire in her eyes, much like the fire I had just felt running through my veins. But underneath, I saw relief. Her emotions matched her eyes- angry, so angry, but relieved. Presumably relieved that I was okay, but I couldn’t tell you for sure.   
“Traitor.” Is the first thing she spits, and that little bit of relief dissipated into full-blown anger.   
“Excuse me?” I say, phrased as a question but presented as an accusation. What the fuck did she mean, ‘traitor’? What did I have to be loyal to back at that place?  
“You left Master Shredder. You allied with the enemy!” She yells right in my face. We were still a tangle of limbs on the floor, and she attempted to pull herself away. “You’re a traitor!”   
“I’m not- How did you even find me?” I yell back, pushing myself away from her as well.   
She was about to answer when Raphael ran towards us, yelling in anger. I didn’t know whose anger was more intense, but it was disorienting. They were certainly well matched in the art of feeling rage.   
But just like before, she tugged her chin up, staring straight at Raph, and he collapses. His sai’s make a different sort of clang than Leo’s when they fall out of his hands.   
“Stop!” I scream at her, overwhelmed and feeling utterly helpless. I scream something that sounds like “NOW” and suddenly Raph’s physical anguish is replaced by mental anguish, and everyone else in the room falls to their knees, sister included. I pull myself in, cut off my emotions from the others, and take a deep breath.   
“Stop.” I tell my sister. She’s breathing hard, looking around, disoriented, as the rest of them certainly are.   
“…Traitor…” She whispers between breaths.   
“How could I be a traitor?” I say quietly, leaning in towards her. The turtles, thankfully, are distracted, trying to find their bearings. So much had happened in so few seconds. “I never followed him.”   
“You were a part of the machine.” She was still out of breath, but she managed the sentence.   
“I was a whore. I was their whore.”   
“That’s because you wouldn’t do what you needed to do. So they relegated you to a place where you would be useful.”   
“Fuck you. It was my punishment for disobeying.”   
“Then you shouldn’t have disobeyed!”   
“He’s evil!”   
“Master Shredder is the only reason we’re so powerful!” She shouts, leaning so close I can feel her hot breath on my skin. “You should have been kissing the ground he walked on!”   
“Like you did?” I match her tone, shoving her back. “He destroyed our lives! He took us away from our lives, our families, and experimented on us until he got what he wanted! The only reason we’re powerful is pure luck! So many others had died because of him!”   
“Exactly!” She pushes herself up. “They died, but we didn’t! He made us strong!”   
“He made us slaves!”   
Sister was about to respond when Donnie came up behind her and gave her neck a short, firm squeeze with one finger, and just like that, she slumped over and slammed into the floor, unconscious.   
“How did you…?” I look up at Donnie.   
“Pressure point.” Donnie says, already in the middle of picking sister up. “She’ll be out for awhile.”   
I nod silently, staring at her unconscious body lying in his arms. I don’t say anything. I don’t look at anyone. I don’t even get up. I’m not really sure what I’m supposed to say.   
I hear footsteps behind me, but I don’t turn to see whose it is. I’m still trying to piece together everything that had just happened.   
“Who is she?” Leo asks quietly. It was his footsteps that had approached me.   
“My sister. Not really my sister, I suppose. Not by blood. We just… Well… We were a part of the same experiments. We kind of… ended up with the same abilities, but opposite.”   
“Opposite how?” Raph asks gruffly.   
I have a sort of control over the mental part of people, the emotions and all that. She has control over the physical aspect. I can make people feel certain emotions; she can make people feel certain sensations. I’m not sure how much of that ability she’s unlocked.” I watch as Donnie lays her gently on the same bed I had been strapped to so many days ago. “I haven’t seen her in a long time.”   
“It doesn’t seem like she’s on our side.” Mikey says. I hear footsteps behind me, and Mikey sits down on the floor next to me.   
I sigh. “No. No, it doesn’t really look like it.”   
“Well, what are we supposed to do?” Mikey asks, taking his eyes off of me and focusing them on Leo. Slowly, all eyes turned to Leo, and he rubbed the back of his head nervously.   
“I… I don’t know.” Says Leo. No one says anything else, but the air of dread in the room is so thick that it’s impossible that I’m the only one who feels it. Mikey grabs my hand, as if to look for reassurance, but I have no comfort for him. Only confusion and fear. More of the same, I suppose.


End file.
